My opinion on negative comments, in a nutshell. (Image courtesy of someecards.com)
In the last few weeks, I’ve had several clients and readers ask me about dealing with negative comments about their bodies.
Ugh. This stuff makes me so angry.
So I want to address negative comments head on and give you some tools for dealing with them, because, frankly, I’ve had enough of this crap.
A Little Context
I don’t really follow non-plus-sized fashion very much, so until this week I had never heard of the swimsuit model Kate Upton (I actually had her confused with the awesome Nancy Upton, but I digress.) Lately, Kate Upton has been torn apart by bloggers for being too fat, having “huge” thighs, etc.
I bring this up only to demonstrate that nowadays, everyone’s body (especially non-male bodies) are apparently up for debate, scrutiny and derision. No one is immune from it, not even swimsuit models.
Of course, there is still a difference between being a straight size swimsuit model and being a size 12 or 22 or 32 (and the degree of comments you get at those different sizes), and the war on obesity rhetoric isn’t helping. Fueling societal scapegoating of fatness with rhetoric about fat causing rising health care costs and pushing the idea that fat people are just a bunch of soda swilling, cheeto eating, lazypants (while thin people mostly hike and eat homemade granola from biodegradable rucksacks) makes commenting on someone’s fatness into a sort of public health message.
Why am I sharing all of that with you? Because I think sometimes you need a reminder that negative comments about your body aren’t even really about your body, they’re about society and our society’s wrongheaded and impossibly narrow definition of a “good” body. Your body didn’t do anything wrong. What’s fucked up about your body is not your body at all, but that your body has to live in a society that thinks it has a right to say fucked up things about your body.
At the same time, I realize that societal change is often glacially slow and reminding you that society is messed up may help you at some times and not others. So I want to share some more tips with you on dealing with negative comments in certain circumstances.
Some Tips For Dealing With Negative Comments
On The Street Harassment
This is some awful shit. If you have to deal with street harassment on any kind of regular basis, I am so sorry.
I don’t have a lot of personal experience with this, and I’m not sure why. It may be that I developed a serious “don’t fuck with me” look in my teens that has served me all of these years, or it may just be luck. I have no idea.
But here are some things to remember:
- Your Reaction In The Moment Is Perfect — Whether you slam the harasser with a witty retort, silently keep moving, and/or report it to the police, your reaction is perfect. You don’t have to do anything, you don’t even have to respond. It’s not your job to fix the situation or deal with it or whatever. The harasser is wrong and you’re right and that’s that.
- Your Reaction Afterward Is Perfect — A client recently shared with me that she was walking with her friends and a man pointed to her and said something rude about her fatness. She acted like she didn’t care at the time but when she got home she was really upset and cried about it. Part of the reason why she cried was that she was mad at herself for getting upset about it. I think it’s really important in these situations to let yourself feel your feelings. You have the right to feel however you feel about someone commenting on your body. The reality is that there is an ebb and flow to all of our lives. Sometimes, you may feel really great about yourself and your body and a nasty comment rolls right off your back like nothing. And maybe on another day you’re feeling a little more insecure and the negative comment really hurts. That’s the reality of life, and there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel.
Comments From People You Know
This stuff is seriously problematic. I think we’ve all had people in our lives (family members, friends, work colleagues) who think it’s completely fine to comment on our bodies and how we look.
Unsolicited commentary on your body is not okay, and the people in your life need to be reminded of that. However, it can be EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to get people who are used to giving you negative comments to stop. (I also realize that in some cases it can be literally unsafe to do so, so it’s important to seek out professional assistance with this if you’re in that situation.)
Keep in mind, again, that your response to receiving negative comments, whether you talk back or don’t, cry or don’t, etc. is perfect. You don’t have to respond or do anything you don’t want to do.
However, if you’re looking for a way to change the dynamic with people in your life who make negative comments about your body, please consider actively setting boundaries with them. This can be a little tricky, so I recommend checking out this post on boundary setting for some in depth help with it.
On The Internet
DO NOT BOTHER. If someone says stuff about you on your blog, facebook page, whatever, do not engage. Delete their comments. Block their IP addresses. This is one instance where you have a lot of control, so don’t waste any of your precious energy on them. Seriously.
A Final Note
I don’t think there’s any way to make yourself completely immune from negative comments. Words hurt, you’re human, and it’s natural to feel shame, embarrassment, anger, etc. when someone makes negative comments about your body.
However, one of the best things you can do to soften the impact is to strengthen your self esteem and body image. When you know in your heart of hearts that you are fabulous other people’s opinions of you will matter less. That’s one of the many reasons why I do the work I do!
I hope this helps the next time you have to deal with negative comments. Let me know how it goes in the comments section below!
P.S. I think I may do a companion piece on dealing with positive or supposedly positive comments about your body, because that can be really complicated too. If that’s something you’d like to read about, let me know in the comments!
Golda is a certified holistic health counselor and founder of Body Love Wellness, a program designed for plus-sized women who are fed up with dieting and want support to stop obsessing about food and weight. If you’re in or near NYC this August, don’t miss her LIVE workshop: Rounded Letters: A Body Image Workshop For Women Who Love To Write. Check it out here.
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Since I have borderline personality disorder, dealing with rejection and hateful comments can be a real challenge for me. It’s been rightly said that for people with borderline personality disorder, it’s like the skin has been burned off of 95% of our emotional body. We don’t have any defenses, and we tend to crash when attacked.
However, there are some people whose negativity I’ve learned to tune out. At Christmas, my mother gave my son and me some chocolates and shortbreads. She then said “but you don’t have to take them if you don’t want to.”
“Why wouldn’t I want to?” I said with genuine puzzlement.
“Well,” she said, “YOU have plenty of reasons not to want to.”
I just pretended it went over my head and said “well, let’s have dinner.”
On the other hand, this being the New Year, I’m having to fight the triggers at work of the constant “lose weight” messages that always come along this time of year.
Cool post, I really enjoyed reading it. I will check out your site for some more content on this subject….
Don’t change your body to get respect from society. Instead, let’s change society to respect our bodies. –> http://t.co/2L7IHah1
what to say when someone comes up to me to ask “what’s wrong with…?” my face is minimally paralyzed and i have good features–so it’s like the smallest detail makes my whole face ‘wrong’. it’s an all-or-nothing attitude that bothers me from those people. i mean, if i wanted to i could ‘critique’ their faces but i don’t believe in that kind of behavior, period. it’s so disrespectful!
“Don’t change your body to get respect from society. Instead, let’s change society to respect our bodies.” http://t.co/FfvfN7qi
more and more realizing it’s a cultural thing that doesn’t even have to do w one’s body. it was pointed out to me by someone who has been ‘skinny’ all her life the other day it pointed out to me that i was ‘gaining weight’–and i am a size 10 in jeans! in my own personal history, i have noticed that i am “ok” when i dress like her, look like her, share the same opinions, etc. so if it helps anyone here, please remember it’s not necessarily about weight but being able to control what one’s own body can do in being independent of those who feel they ‘own’ it and should be able to control it and your actions when they feel ‘threatened’ by that. the saddest thing is that i thought it was possible to be known by someone who is otherwise close to me.
My favorite comeback (although I have never used it out loud!):
“I’m not here to decorate your world.”
I saw this on a forum about hair care;
people often got unsolicited comments about their hair–“You’re too old to have long hair”, “You should donate your hair to Locks of Love”, “Long hair looks unprofessional”, etc, etc.
And, you know, we’re NOT here to decorate anyone’s world!!! I remind myself of that when I don’t feel like shaving my legs!!! :D
Have you read or discussed this article?
http://www.dressaday.com/2006/10/20/you-dont-have-to-be-pretty/
(you don’t owe prettiness to anyone)
You can’t please all the people all the time. If you’re thin enough, someone won’t like your shoes. Or will think you’re too tall. Or tell you that you shouldn’t wear that color fabric with your skin tone/hair color. Once, when I was thin and totally comfortable with my body (except for having tiny boobs), a girl came way the fuck out of her way to tell me “Do you know you look like a total idiot, being the only person who’s dancing?” WHY?! I was enjoying myself, I was with lots of friends, it was a huge field…they couldn’t have sat somewhere else where they didn’t have to look at me?!
I did get an awesome redemption, though; at the end of the band’s set, the MC said, “It looks like only one person here knows how to have a good time at a concert!”
“Don’t change your body to get respect from society. Instead, let’s change society to respect our bodies.”- http://t.co/YUsg1Y6F
Great post, thanks for writing it. I’d like to see a positive comments post, as well. I am thinking like they can be just as harmful.
I’m working on the positive comments post. I hope to have it up for next week!