My opinion on negative comments, in a nutshell. (Image courtesy of someecards.com)
In the last few weeks, I’ve had several clients and readers ask me about dealing with negative comments about their bodies.
Ugh. This stuff makes me so angry.
So I want to address negative comments head on and give you some tools for dealing with them, because, frankly, I’ve had enough of this crap.
A Little Context
I don’t really follow non-plus-sized fashion very much, so until this week I had never heard of the swimsuit model Kate Upton (I actually had her confused with the awesome Nancy Upton, but I digress.) Lately, Kate Upton has been torn apart by bloggers for being too fat, having “huge” thighs, etc.
I bring this up only to demonstrate that nowadays, everyone’s body (especially non-male bodies) are apparently up for debate, scrutiny and derision. No one is immune from it, not even swimsuit models.
Of course, there is still a difference between being a straight size swimsuit model and being a size 12 or 22 or 32 (and the degree of comments you get at those different sizes), and the war on obesity rhetoric isn’t helping. Fueling societal scapegoating of fatness with rhetoric about fat causing rising health care costs and pushing the idea that fat people are just a bunch of soda swilling, cheeto eating, lazypants (while thin people mostly hike and eat homemade granola from biodegradable rucksacks) makes commenting on someone’s fatness into a sort of public health message.
Why am I sharing all of that with you? Because I think sometimes you need a reminder that negative comments about your body aren’t even really about your body, they’re about society and our society’s wrongheaded and impossibly narrow definition of a “good” body. Your body didn’t do anything wrong. What’s fucked up about your body is not your body at all, but that your body has to live in a society that thinks it has a right to say fucked up things about your body.
At the same time, I realize that societal change is often glacially slow and reminding you that society is messed up may help you at some times and not others. So I want to share some more tips with you on dealing with negative comments in certain circumstances.
Some Tips For Dealing With Negative Comments
On The Street Harassment
This is some awful shit. If you have to deal with street harassment on any kind of regular basis, I am so sorry.
I don’t have a lot of personal experience with this, and I’m not sure why. It may be that I developed a serious “don’t fuck with me” look in my teens that has served me all of these years, or it may just be luck. I have no idea.
But here are some things to remember:
- Your Reaction In The Moment Is Perfect — Whether you slam the harasser with a witty retort, silently keep moving, and/or report it to the police, your reaction is perfect. You don’t have to do anything, you don’t even have to respond. It’s not your job to fix the situation or deal with it or whatever. The harasser is wrong and you’re right and that’s that.
- Your Reaction Afterward Is Perfect — A client recently shared with me that she was walking with her friends and a man pointed to her and said something rude about her fatness. She acted like she didn’t care at the time but when she got home she was really upset and cried about it. Part of the reason why she cried was that she was mad at herself for getting upset about it. I think it’s really important in these situations to let yourself feel your feelings. You have the right to feel however you feel about someone commenting on your body. The reality is that there is an ebb and flow to all of our lives. Sometimes, you may feel really great about yourself and your body and a nasty comment rolls right off your back like nothing. And maybe on another day you’re feeling a little more insecure and the negative comment really hurts. That’s the reality of life, and there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel.
Comments From People You Know
This stuff is seriously problematic. I think we’ve all had people in our lives (family members, friends, work colleagues) who think it’s completely fine to comment on our bodies and how we look.
Unsolicited commentary on your body is not okay, and the people in your life need to be reminded of that. However, it can be EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to get people who are used to giving you negative comments to stop. (I also realize that in some cases it can be literally unsafe to do so, so it’s important to seek out professional assistance with this if you’re in that situation.)
Keep in mind, again, that your response to receiving negative comments, whether you talk back or don’t, cry or don’t, etc. is perfect. You don’t have to respond or do anything you don’t want to do.
However, if you’re looking for a way to change the dynamic with people in your life who make negative comments about your body, please consider actively setting boundaries with them. This can be a little tricky, so I recommend checking out this post on boundary setting for some in depth help with it.
On The Internet
DO NOT BOTHER. If someone says stuff about you on your blog, facebook page, whatever, do not engage. Delete their comments. Block their IP addresses. This is one instance where you have a lot of control, so don’t waste any of your precious energy on them. Seriously.
A Final Note
I don’t think there’s any way to make yourself completely immune from negative comments. Words hurt, you’re human, and it’s natural to feel shame, embarrassment, anger, etc. when someone makes negative comments about your body.
However, one of the best things you can do to soften the impact is to strengthen your self esteem and body image. When you know in your heart of hearts that you are fabulous other people’s opinions of you will matter less. That’s one of the many reasons why I do the work I do!
I hope this helps the next time you have to deal with negative comments. Let me know how it goes in the comments section below!
P.S. I think I may do a companion piece on dealing with positive or supposedly positive comments about your body, because that can be really complicated too. If that’s something you’d like to read about, let me know in the comments!
Golda is a certified holistic health counselor and founder of Body Love Wellness, a program designed for plus-sized women who are fed up with dieting and want support to stop obsessing about food and weight. If you’re in or near NYC this August, don’t miss her LIVE workshop: Rounded Letters: A Body Image Workshop For Women Who Love To Write. Check it out here.
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Yup! negative comments from people I know are the ones who hurt me most (other comments I don’t waste my energy on).
Thr number one commenter in my life is my mom, and that hurts. A lot. I believe she has been, at least part of our shared life together, a toxic parent.
Today, I am able to tell her to stop. No, I’m not worried by my weight – she is. I do not obsess – she does. I feel great, she worries and nags and comments and offers ” help” to start a diet. But, no I’m not interested in dieting either.
The only thing I do want, and that is entirely up to me, is lead a healthier lifestyle, move my beloved body more, so I feel even better. That’s all.
Yesterday, I had a fight with my SO, who is much fatter than me, but who, as a lot of men out there do, believe himself to be much thinner than he is. For the first time, he made a nasty comment about my eating habits. That hurt, a lot. Right now, I’m even considering to end the relationship altogether, for this and other reasons.
Fuck off, you commenters, deal with your own life before you mess with mine!
-BM
Hey There- I’d love to read something about what to do when people comment on what you are eating. It’s something that is really hard for me and can throw me off. It doesn’t matter if the person comments that im eating enough, too much, too little, healthy, not healthy, etc it all bothers me. I try to redirect conversation or intercept it in some way but it always has an effect on me and how willing I am to eat later in the day or the next day. working on it. Yesterday I got an icecream and someone said “wow those smalls are huge” I said “yeah its perfect” with a big smile, but I know ill have a really hard time not being mad at myself for eating an entire small next time/if I ever wanted to order a bigger size i know id feel shame. wish i didn’t though cuz ice cream is great.
I dont know if you’ll read this or not, but I just want to say thank you! Every since i read your post on everyday feminism.com, I will be adding this website to my list of empowering websites. You have really helped me out! Your strength is beautiful, and you have become one of my rolemodels.
I read that! And thank you! I do read all the comments but I’m not always able to respond. I’m so glad I could help!
Since I have borderline personality disorder, dealing with rejection and hateful comments can be a real challenge for me. It’s been rightly said that for people with borderline personality disorder, it’s like the skin has been burned off of 95% of our emotional body. We don’t have any defenses, and we tend to crash when attacked.
However, there are some people whose negativity I’ve learned to tune out. At Christmas, my mother gave my son and me some chocolates and shortbreads. She then said “but you don’t have to take them if you don’t want to.”
“Why wouldn’t I want to?” I said with genuine puzzlement.
“Well,” she said, “YOU have plenty of reasons not to want to.”
I just pretended it went over my head and said “well, let’s have dinner.”
On the other hand, this being the New Year, I’m having to fight the triggers at work of the constant “lose weight” messages that always come along this time of year.
Cool post, I really enjoyed reading it. I will check out your site for some more content on this subject….
Don’t change your body to get respect from society. Instead, let’s change society to respect our bodies. –> http://t.co/2L7IHah1
what to say when someone comes up to me to ask “what’s wrong with…?” my face is minimally paralyzed and i have good features–so it’s like the smallest detail makes my whole face ‘wrong’. it’s an all-or-nothing attitude that bothers me from those people. i mean, if i wanted to i could ‘critique’ their faces but i don’t believe in that kind of behavior, period. it’s so disrespectful!
“Don’t change your body to get respect from society. Instead, let’s change society to respect our bodies.” http://t.co/FfvfN7qi
more and more realizing it’s a cultural thing that doesn’t even have to do w one’s body. it was pointed out to me by someone who has been ‘skinny’ all her life the other day it pointed out to me that i was ‘gaining weight’–and i am a size 10 in jeans! in my own personal history, i have noticed that i am “ok” when i dress like her, look like her, share the same opinions, etc. so if it helps anyone here, please remember it’s not necessarily about weight but being able to control what one’s own body can do in being independent of those who feel they ‘own’ it and should be able to control it and your actions when they feel ‘threatened’ by that. the saddest thing is that i thought it was possible to be known by someone who is otherwise close to me.
My favorite comeback (although I have never used it out loud!):
“I’m not here to decorate your world.”
I saw this on a forum about hair care;
people often got unsolicited comments about their hair–”You’re too old to have long hair”, “You should donate your hair to Locks of Love”, “Long hair looks unprofessional”, etc, etc.
And, you know, we’re NOT here to decorate anyone’s world!!! I remind myself of that when I don’t feel like shaving my legs!!! :D
Have you read or discussed this article?
http://www.dressaday.com/2006/10/20/you-dont-have-to-be-pretty/
(you don’t owe prettiness to anyone)
You can’t please all the people all the time. If you’re thin enough, someone won’t like your shoes. Or will think you’re too tall. Or tell you that you shouldn’t wear that color fabric with your skin tone/hair color. Once, when I was thin and totally comfortable with my body (except for having tiny boobs), a girl came way the fuck out of her way to tell me “Do you know you look like a total idiot, being the only person who’s dancing?” WHY?! I was enjoying myself, I was with lots of friends, it was a huge field…they couldn’t have sat somewhere else where they didn’t have to look at me?!
I did get an awesome redemption, though; at the end of the band’s set, the MC said, “It looks like only one person here knows how to have a good time at a concert!”
“Don’t change your body to get respect from society. Instead, let’s change society to respect our bodies.”- http://t.co/YUsg1Y6F
Great post, thanks for writing it. I’d like to see a positive comments post, as well. I am thinking like they can be just as harmful.
I’m working on the positive comments post. I hope to have it up for next week!
Don’t ever let them tell you you’re not beautiful- Dealing With Negative Comments About Your Body: http://t.co/OH4ztDH5
I get alot of comments at the gym. I have always been active no matter what my size. I know some women are trying to bond and be friendly but a few other curvy girls have made comments telling me I have lost inches or something along the lines of your hips used to be alot bigger. It still stings a bit and makes me angry- why are you looking at me and judging my body! But trying to just be encouraged by it. I have a wedding coming up next year and I have to say- having extreme dress stress- I dont know many people I can trust to come to a try on session that wont fling negative comments at me. I swear, there should be a service for this!
“Don’t change your body to get respect from society. Instead, let’s change society to respect our bodies.”- http://t.co/qvxCFWF3
“Don’t change your body to get respect from society. Instead, let’s change society to respect our bodies.” http://t.co/v89aLMA1
Where I get negative comments is when I fly and the person I am sitting by is uncomfortable. I have even had flight attendants comment in regards to my selt belt extender. It is uncomfortable and I don’t confront the person due to the situation. They usually get their seat changed and I get more room and send them off with a smile. I agree with Golda people saying what they want regardless of feelings of the other person is out of hand.
“Don’t change your body to get respect from society. let’s change society to respect our bodies.” @bodylovewellnes http://t.co/oIKIlouV
“Don’t change ur body 2 get respect from society Instead, let’s change society 2 respect r bodies.”@bodylovewellnes http://t.co/PWbKeaY2
“Don’t change your body to get respect from society. Let’s change society to respect our bodies.” @bodylovewellnes http://t.co/Ee5NKMGL
“Don’t change your body to get respect from society. Instead, let’s change society to respect our bodies.” http://t.co/44eEfbV4
Dealing With Negative Comments About Your Body: http://t.co/YhRgI5an
Dont change your body to get respect from society.Instead, let’s change society to respect our bodies. @bodylovewellnes http://t.co/EbiNvGIJ
Dealing With Negative Comments About Your Body — Body Love Wellness http://t.co/8Oaxnj3M
To strangers who dare to make comments about my size (except small children):
I hope you learn to like yourself better soon.
To me it means that I’ve heard them, I don’t agree with them, I understand their motivation (to make themselves feel better somehow) and that I have compassion and a hope that they get better soon.
I too have been dealing with back-handed comments that are supposedly positive, although they don’t feel that way. I have been hearing some form of this comment “Wow, your boobs are really big” for most of my life (I’m 47 now). For so long I had felt that something was literally wrong with me and I couldn’t even talk about my hurt with many people because they would just roll their eyes and tell me how lucky I am to have great boobs. It’s only in the past decade that I have been able to acknowledge that it isn’t ok with me when people make loud comments about my body in public or in private for that matter. I feel much better and loving about my breast size now, but I admit that I’m afraid of comments. At the same time I don’t mind if someone tells me I look beautiful or sexy – that feels great to me. It’s all a bit confusing at times.
“Don’t change your body to get respect from society. Instead, let’s change society to respect our bodies.” http://t.co/dd94e1go
I’ve been dealing with this in sort of a back-handed, condescending way. I’m a burlesque dancer more on the “curvy” side than not, and I’ve have a lot of women say things like, “I’m so glad you’re up there on stage, representing REAL women.” Or getting looked up and down, and then getting an unsolicited, “You look great. Don’t ever be ashamed of your body.”
I always think: why am I the exception? Can’t you just appreciate everyone in the burlesque family as a collective — that we’re saucy, empowered, creative, and expressive? It always seems to come down to body size…even in the mostly body-accepting world of burlesque.
Great post! I would love to see one about positive comments too. People have a way of distorting them. I often find myself thinking, “Wow, um, that was almost a compliment”
“Don’t change your body to get respect from society. Let’s change society to respect our bodies.”-@bodylovewellnes http://t.co/ffhVo8wE
New post: Dealing With Negative Comments About Your Body http://t.co/D5bF5VSx
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