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by Golda Poretsky, H.H.C.
www.bodylovewellness.com

As I write this, I’m waiting to go into my fiction writing class, where my work will be critiqued this week. Two weeks ago, I left that class feeling deflated. I had submitted three pages of the first fiction writing I had done in years and had received what felt like an avalanche of criticism.

I’ve never taken criticism well. I get nervous, apologetic and defensive all at once. Criticism of my work always feels like a personal attack on me. no matter how well meaning the criticizer may be.
This week, I’ve thought a lot about how I handle (or don’t handle) criticism, so that I could deal with it better in the future. I’m going to test my hypotheses in my class tonight, but in the meantime, I think these six techniques will help you get through the next time you’re criticized.

• Take What You Want/ Leave What You Want — Think critically about the criticism you’re receiving. You might want to make a list of the items and think about what’s true for you and what isn’t. Which criticisms do you agree with and which do you not? For the items you agree with, decide how you might implement them the next time. For the items you disagree with, you have some options. You can (a) not use the criticism and consider it a difference of opinion, (b) discuss with the criticizer why you believe your actions are appropriate, and/or (c) make the changes even though you disagree with them. (As you may have guessed, if you’re in a situation where the criticizer is a supervisor of your work or your client, (b) and (c) are often the expedient choice.)
• Everyone Makes Mistakes — This is something that I seem to forget every time I’m criticized. Everyone screws up. Everyone. Your favorite writers, speakers, professors, inventors, etc. all screw up, possibly daily. If everyone were perfect all the time, life would be relatively boring.
• Forgive Yourself — This one is really simple if we let it be. Say it as an affirmation if you need to: “I forgive myself” or “I forgive myself for ______________.” Say it (aloud or in your mind) and/or write it again and again until you believe it.
• Affirm Your Value — This step can take many forms. You may need to affirm your value to yourself by affirming “I am enough” or “I am worthy” or “My value is unchanging.” Modify them until they feel right to you. As I wrote in my blog entry about affirmations, affirmations work best when they are in the present tense (i.e., “I am worthy” rather than “I was worthy” or “I will be worthy”) and focus on the positive of what you want, rather than what you don’t want (i.e., “I am worthy” rather than “I am not worthless”). If you’re comfortable with it, you may also want to affirm your value to the person who criticized you. Consider saying something to the effect of “I acknowledge your criticisms, particularly with respect to _______________, and I will do my best to implement appropriate changes, but please consider ______________________.”
• Consider The Source — I find that some of the most critical people are often the most self-critical as well. People may often be more apt to criticize too when they feel criticized or they’re having a bad day and looking to take it out on someone. While I’m not condoning unleashing criticism on someone else because you’re having a bad day or feeling self critical, it’s a good practice as the criticized person to consider your criticizer’s emotional state as a factor.
• Be Rubber, Not Glue — Whoever came up with “I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever bounces off me, sticks to you” is definitely a genius. There’s a certain freedom in saying (or at least thinking) that those criticisms are just bouncing off you and landing on the criticizer. Try to yourself sealed in a bubble of love, or made of rubber, and imagine those criticisms just bouncing off of you.

And finally, a word about the value of criticism. I don’t think it’s that valuable. I firmly believe that if you appreciate a person’s strengths and then give them a problem to solve, rather than criticize what they’ve done, you will facilitate more change than just telling them what they did wrong. I’ve learned this formula from Regena “Mama Gena” Thomashauer, and I firmly believe in its efficacy.
Here’s an example of how you could use it in a situation where you might normally criticize someone else. Let’s say you’re roommate, R, leaves dirty dishes in the sink and it bothers you. You have a few options.
You could be critical and confronting: “R, you keep leaving dirty dishes in the sink! It’s disgusting. Please clean up your crap!”
You could not say anything and continue to be annoyed. You could even clean your roommate’s dishes to avoid confrontation.
Or you, could try this technique and say: “R, I really enjoy having you as a roommate. You are so much fun! But I’ve noticed a few times that you’ve left a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink, and I’m concerned about bugs and things like that. Could you find a way to do your dishes so that they don’t pile up? Thanks!”
I’m assuming that if you’re at all like me, you’d rather someone talk to you with the appreciation technique used in the last example. I’d be way more apt to get my dishes done if I knew how much my roommate liked me and saw this as a small issue that was easily remedied. You can use this technique for anything, and you can use it over and over for the same things when you need a little extra reinforcement.
As always, comment below and let me know what you think about handling criticism.
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