Like many of you out in More Of Me To Love land, I watched the first episode of More To Love last Tuesday. I was all set to avoid the show entirely, when a very savvy friend of mine who owns a very awesome plus sized vintage store reminded me that my clients would be watching and probably interested in discussing the show.
She was right, and I’m glad I watched it, mainly for the fatshion and the fact that it gave me some food for thought, as it were.
For those of you who didn’t see it, More To Love is a “Bachelor” type show, where 20 or so women are vying for one bachelor. Women get eliminated in every episode until the bachelor chooses the final one, to whom he’ll likely propose. In this instance, the “Bachelor” is fat and all of the contestants are fat as well (despite not wanting to think of themselves that way).
Generally, I avoid “Bachelor” type shows as much as possible. I hate to see a bunch of women fighting over one guy in a desperate attempt to get married and score a bunch of money.
As a viewer, however, I find that it’s easy to get sucked into this view of the world. It’s easy to begin to believe in and connect with the view that potential mates are scarce, that dates and relationships are prizes to be desperately attracted, latched on to and kept at all costs – and that finding that right person is the only way to finally become complete.
What More To Love does is couch the hopelessness that people often feel when looking for relationships into something that is specifically caused by size. Again and again, the show’s contestants would talk about how all their skinny friends get the guys, how they’ve been dumped or never had a relationship, and how hard it is to find a guy who loves them for who they are. All of this is blamed on their sizes.
So the question I’d like to pose to you is, do the thoughts and assumptions posited in this show really reflect reality?
I have fat friends who are married and are in committed relationships. I also have fat friends who are single and dating or single and not dating all that much. I also have thin friends who are married and in committed relationships and thin friends who are single and dating or single and not dating all that much. I have thin friends who have been dumped for no reason or bad reasons or mean reasons, and I have fat friends who have been dumped for no reason or bad reasons or mean reasons.
I know that I can’t be the only one with friends like this. People run into issues with dating and relationships. Fat, thin or in between.
If you find yourself thinking that you’ll never have a great relationship because of your size, I want you take that assumption and turn it around. I guarantee that you know someone who is fat and has a great relationship or lots of fun dating. Rather than thinking that can never be you, spend more time with this friend or friends; see what that person does, ask for tips, ask if they’ll be your wingman or wingwoman. Toss out the assumptions and fake reality of so-called reality shows, and create your own reality with you as the star of the show!
(By the way, fellow New Yorkers, I am a fat-tastic wingwoman.)
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And check out the other experts’ great tips this week.
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Gina — I really do believe that everyone (myself included) has to/had to kiss a lot of frogs before they met their prince/princess etc. No one clicks with everyone. The trick is to follow your fun and have fun no matter who you're with. Everyone is weird. I truly believe that. Just keep looking for your next awesome weirdo.
Yes, everyone is unique, but most people don't belong to about five different categories (including FA, but also other religious, subculture, etc. categories) that most people consider total freakshows. I don't want to change in order to fit in and be popular (that would be energy-intensive and utterly futile) but I don't want to date someone who thinks I am a freak either. I do try and meet new people on occasion, but the odds of finding someone I connect with are so low that it never amounts to much unless I have big concentrations of a certain (geeky) type of people, and that doesn't seem to happen anywhere except some institutions of higher learning (which has led to relatively lots of friendship but no romance, and the tuitions are kinda pricey).
Amber– Thanks for your comment! I'm glad that you're finding people that you like, and realizing that rejection happens to everyone.
Elizabeth — Thanks for your comment. I am so looking forward to the day that tv is a little more representative of the diversity of its viewers. I sort of can't imagine it, but I'm hoping for it!
We all, each an every one of us, have fears & doubt, as well as hopes & dreams, when it comes to relationships. Based on all of the people I've known in my life, love can find (and elude) people of all sizes, shapes, ages, colors, and crosses all differences when it strikes! Hopefully Fox's More to Love will at the very least, show fat women (and one man!) as being as attractive (and flawed) as all the other contestants on all the other dating shows.And maybe someday dating shows will be more like real life, where there is more diversity of potential mates to choose from. Check out my blog response to MTL!
I'm defined as Obese on the BMI scale, and a couple of the girls on the show weigh less than I do. I did have a problem dating in high school, but I was very out-spoken and had zero confidence. After high school I've had less problems dating, even those that are up to my standards. Of course there will be rejection, but even skinny girls get that.
Yes, reality shows in general are such bullshit. People are isolated and drunk with nothing to think about other than winning and being catty. It's awful!
Hi Gina — Thanks for your comment. Of course, I don't know you, but I've learned from experience that everyone is weird or unique. Even communities that seem homogeneous really aren't. I hope you'll consider that!
Hi Ivan — So glad to witness you letting go of limiting beliefs! Kudos!
I do not know any guys as fat as I am who are in a happy relationship or are out there dating. This has always been one of the nails in my dating coffin. Having spent the weekend at the NAAFA and ASDAH convention, I can see how beneficial it is for me to be on the company of those who support my FA. My dear friends who accept me as I am, my new friends on the Fat-o-sphere. I really didn't think it possible that there could be a woman out there that would want to be with me because I am FAT. I am beginning to see that this belief is the only thing in my way of meeting a woman who I am into. It is nice to see these limiting beliefs shifting and opening up more possibilities for me.
On some reflection I agree that I know fat people in good relationships. But I can't follow your advice to hang out with them more when they live in other countries.
Anyway, it's not just that I'm fat, I am far too "unique" to connect with more than a tiny minority of guys who I am not convinced exist at all.
Hey girl, this is spot-on. BTW, I just read an article in the NY Times about reality shows in general. It seems the contestants are kept in isolation for long periods of time and are frequently plied with alcohol, thus making for those "dramatic" moments that we all love so well.I know fat couples, thin couples and mixed couples. TV wants to wreck your self-esteem so that you'll buy products. It's all b.s.
Thanks, gals! And I think we should all join Deb for the MTL drinking game!
Love the post!
great post. i still think we need to turn this show into a drinking game. lol.
You're fat-tastic on the wing, in the cockpit, all over the damn plane, girlfriend! xoxo
Hi girl,,,,,I totally agree with you on this and I will write my blog on it soon.
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