This morning I put on a dress that I bought at the height of my Weight Watchers induced thinness. It’s an XL from Banana Republic (yes, even at my thinnest, I wore an XL). It’s one of the few dresses that I’ve kept from those days, due to its shocking ability to stretch into a shape that still hits my curves in all the right places.
When I bought that dress, I felt like I was living the dream. I had lost over 40 pounds, and, according to my Weight Watchers leader, there was nowhere to go but thinner, until I reached my goal weight. My goal weight was still higher than the “approved” weights for my height (which seemed overly low for someone with my frame), but I was going to get a note from my chiropractor so that when I lost another 20 pounds or so, I’d be at my goal. I’d be roughly a size 10/12, the thinnest I had ever been.
This time, it was going to work for me. This time, I was sure. This time, I had found the magic bullet, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. This time, I was going to be thin and stay thin and, as a result, have the life I was waiting to have, and love myself the way I wanted to.
How many of you can relate to those thoughts?!
As it happened, of course, I never reached my goal weight. I kept weighing and measuring. I kept calculating points. I kept exercising to get more food points. I did everything I was supposed to do, but the number on the scale kept climbing. I couldn’t raise my hand when my Weight Watchers leader asked who had lost weight this week. I clapped for everyone else but inside I felt like a failure. I felt like I had done something horribly wrong, that there was something horribly wrong with me.
When I sheepishly asked my Weight Watchers leader what I was doing wrong, she asked me if I had been sick. “Cough drops,” she said, “can add lots of hidden points.”
I hadn’t had any cough drops. I was just getting fat. Or, re-getting fat, if you will.
So, when I put this XL dress on this morning, I wasn’t sure if it was going to look good anymore. By now, I’ve gained back all of the weight I had lost on Weight Watchers, plus a little extra for good measure. After all of the work I’ve done with plus sized women, myself included, I knew not to beat myself up if it didn’t look good, but, I felt like wearing it, and in the spirit of research, I decided to try it.
I put it on, and I looked great. The dress still did what it always did. It made me look extra hourglass, accentuating my tush and breasts and de-accentuating everything else. I felt hot in it and powerful.
I realized, in that moment, that I have achieved something amazing. I have an incredible ability to love myself and to love how I look, for richer, for poorer, for thinner, for fatter, and til death do I part from this body. I can look in the mirror and love the woman I see no matter what size she is and no matter what society might think she should look like.
This ability to see myself with love goes beyond dresses and goal weights. I weigh more than I ever have, and I love myself more than I ever have. I’ve stripped away the conditions I previously attached to self-love, and it feels so good that I feel unstoppable.
So, this week, I want you to start on the self-love journey with me. I want you to write out all of the things that you’ve been requiring of yourself before you can love yourself. It may be weight loss, being on time, making more money, or any number of other things. It may be one thing, 5 things or 20 things. Whatever it is, write it all out, then stomp on that piece of paper and throw it out. Or stomp on it and burn it (carefully) in the sink.
If that felt great, tell us about it. Tell us what was on your list, if you like, and how you destroyed that list. How are you feeling about yourself now?
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Sorry for not responding sooner! Thank you all for reading and sharing. I love hearing your voices and I love the way you share yourself with me. Thank you so much!
Hi Golda,
I can certainly relate to waiting to lose weight before I start my life and I also have said to myself the two or three times I lost any substantial weight in my life, "'I'll never gain in back"
I also have an xl shirt by calvin klein I bought at macy's that stretches and still looks good on my 4X frame. We need to find out what this magic fabric is and invest!
Anyway, your words of loving yourself and accepting yourself more than ever at your heaviest are what I am going for. With the help of the FA community I am beginning to see that might be an achievable goal.
I am actually working on an exercise similar to the one you suggested. What I am seeing from that is I carry my own personal story with each item on my list. I realize as I am writing out all the thoughts, memories and situations that lead me to feelings of unworthiness, I am giving myself the option of looking at them in a different way.
example: last week I mentioned how much my large belly has been on my mind. On saturday I walked the farmer's market here in Union Square at 330pm. It was wall to wall people. This kind of a situation would often churn up the unworthiness dial for me. However, this past Saturday, instead of avoiding the market, I walked it nice a slowly. I took up my space, space I have a right to take up, and I did my healthy shopping. My mind was free of the insane chatter about my size and my worth. I was there for some fresh, delicious vegetables and to enjoy my neighborhood. I even was wearing a new shirt with horizontal stripes!!
When walking in crowded places, I used to watch everyone's eyes for signs of disgust or repulsion not realizing that how I choose to look at myself was bringing on those heartbreaking glances from others.
I'm glad to be on this journey of self acceptance and I still have a way to go. I still am working on getting a handle around all the facts and the essence of our movement.
What I do know is that I am going in the right direction.
Bravo Golda! Bravo!
"I’ve stripped away the conditions I previously attached to self-love, and it feels so good that I feel unstoppable."
This, perfectly! So many of us attach limitations or "only when" conditions to self-acceptance!! For me it has been a variety of things from particular weights, fitting into a certain piece of clothing, getting a specific grade… and you know, even if/when I DID reach whatever limiting condition I'd put on my own self-love and happiness…I'd change the rules on myself and make up a whole NEW set of even more narrowly restrictive conditions…
Huzzah for getting to the "unstoppable" feelings finally and putting aside that feeling that there is always some other limit, just out of reach, beyond which true happiness lies!
What I love about your blog is that your advice works for people of all sizes, no matter what perceived obstacles stand in the way of our self-love.
And it's very well-written, too. ;)