By Golda Poretsky, H.H.C.
www.bodylovewellness.com

It seems that over the last few weeks, More To Love (the “Bachelor” type show featuring an all plus-sized cast) has become a lightning rod for the cultural debate about the inclusion of fat people in media. I even found myself “live tweeting” the show as I watched it last week.

Two weeks ago, I wrote about how, in the real world, people of all shapes and sizes have great relationships, bad relationships, good dating experiences, bad dating experiences, and everything in between.

This week, I was struck by something that Amanda, one of the contestants, said as she was being sent home by Luke, the bachelor:

“I’m really shocked with Luke’s decision. I think I’m kind of prettier than some of the girls in the house. I wonder what Luke could possibly see in Mel B. This is, like, a total blow to my ego. I’ve never lost a guy to a girl [who was] bigger than me or not as attractive. I really don’t know how to take it right now.”

Amanda’s statement was so wrong on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin. If Amanda were right, all of the fattest women should be sent home first, with only the thinnest fat women remaining. Also, it’s as if she’s saying that the erstwhile Fatchelor should only be comparing the contestants based on their size and “attractiveness” (which seems to be sized-based in Amanda’s view) rather than other things like, oh, I don’t know, personality, chemistry, etc. (not to mention that Luke may like the size).

But what it really got me thinking about was the idea that there is some value in comparing yourself to other people. I would contend, however, that there is very little value in comparing oneself to others.

Moving away from More To Love (thankfully!), I’d like you to think about whether the following situation has ever happened to you. Have you ever done something really great at work or in school, like you made a great presentation at work or got a really high grade on a paper, only to hear right afterwards about a friend or colleague who did something that you would consider even more successful? For instance, let’s say you give a great presentation and your boss is really impressed with you. You’re feeling great about the job you did. Then you hear about Barry down the hall who’s being sent to France to negotiate some huge deal, and suddenly your presentation seems meaningless? Or let’s say you go on a date with someone you really like, and s/he takes you to a concert to hear a band you really like, and it’s lots of fun and you get home and see your friend’s Facebook status is something like, “Partying with George Clooney on his yacht,” and suddenly, your date doesn’t seem that fabulous.

I used to suffer from this compare/despair syndrome a lot, until I realized that it really wasn’t serving me. Being envious of other people and denigrating the good stuff in my life only made me miserable. I’ve learned that the easiest way out of the compare/despair syndrome was to simply celebrate the successes of people around me. By celebrating those successes, I could actually enjoy my own, and even picture other people’s successes as being possible for me, rather than things I could never attain.

By the same token, bigger people sometimes take themselves out of situations because of the way in which they compare themselves to other people. We, literally, suffer by comparison. I’ve had numerous clients say to me that they feel uncomfortable being the biggest person at a meeting, event, or gym class. They find themselves searching for the fattest people in those situations and then sizing up whether they are, indeed, the fattest person in the room. Some of them even stop attending those events as a result of concluding that they’re the fattest ones around. Just like Amanda’s assumption about Mel B. on More To Love, these people assume that the fatter they are, the less accepted and desirable their presence is in any given situation. And just like Amanda, they assume wrongly.

Usually, we can’t know why someone falls in love with us and someone else doesn’t, why certain things fall into our laps and other things seem unattainable, or why we’re great at some things and not at others. The key is to know that we have value, despite our flaws, real or perceived, and that comparing ourselves to others is fruitless and unwise.

So the next time you start to compare and despair, stop yourself and celebrate instead. Celebrate your successes as well as those of your colleagues, friends, lover(s) or acquaintances. Know your value and theirs.

Please stop by my Facebook group and become a member of the Body Love Wellness Group! Also, I would love it if you would follow me on Twitter. We can even live tweet More To Love together!

Most of us regularly crave change in our lives. We want a better living situation, a better job, a better boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, and no sooner do we have those things than we get frustrated and begin to want something new and different.

But very often, the key to being happier with our current state – and, yes, getting that new thing that we want – is appreciation for what we currently have. I call this “gratitude.”

My clients often ask me why they should find things to like about something that they feel isn’t working for them. Finding things to appreciate about something you want to change is often a big challenge for people, especially when what they want to change has to do with their bodies. Most of us are so programmed to find things that we don’t like about our bodies, that we don’t know where to start when we have to think of things that we like. We also think that if we begin to like things about our bodies, we’ll get complacent and things will never change.

I’m going to start with an example of something that has less emotional charge for most people than their bodies. Let’s use the desire to get a new job as an example. Let’s say you’re in a job where you work long hours for too little money. (I’ve been there.) Now let’s say you want a job where you work less, earn more, and do more interesting work. (I’ve soooo been there too.) Aside from updating your resume and searching for new jobs, one of the best things you can do is make a list of things about your current job that you’re grateful for. Include everything you can think of, from a coworker you’ve befriended, to skills you’ve learned, to the fact that it’s supported you for x amount of time, to the convenient location—everything you can think of. Write these things down.

This exercise does a couple of things. It changes your mindset about your job and the way you perceive yourself in your job. It allows you to see and feel all that your current job has brought to you. And, perhaps most importantly, this exercise shows you that though you desire change, your current job isn’t “bad” or “wrong.”

Making a list of what you’re grateful for about your body can have an amazing effect. It can make you see that your body, just as it is right now, is beautiful and functional and brilliant. You may find that you’re grateful for so many things about your body, like the beautiful curve of your neck and the strength of your arms and your delicate wrists. You may even find yourself grateful for some of your “bad” habits, like when late-night snacking got you through a painful break-up when you didn’t feel like it was safe to deal with your emotions. Once you begin to find the genius in your current situation and choices, you may find that those situations that you had seen as negative before fall away more easily. When you are grateful for what you have, you open yourself up to positive change when you least expect it.

Try this week’s tip: The next time you’re feeling wrong or bad about a situation (job, habit, relationship, anything) make a list of 20 things that you’re grateful for about that situation. It may be a challenge, but you’ll feel so glad that you did it. Feel free to report back to us about how it went for you!

And don’t forget to check out other great More of Me to Love blogs.

Also, please stop by Golda’s Facebook group and become a member of the Body Love Wellness Group!

Golda is a Holistic Health Counselor who graduated from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. Through her fun, simple, stress-free approach, Golda specializes in transforming people’s relationships with food and their bodies.

Want some individualized attention actualizing this week’s tip? Check out www.bodylovewellness.com to set up a free consultation with Golda!

As I noted in my tip this week, the Summer Solstice (occurring on June 21st at the end of the week) is often a time to celebrate the abundance of Mother Nature. A great way to celebrate this abundance is to take a moment to be grateful and thankful for the food we eat.

In much of Western culture, we’ve been taught to be critical of food. We’re taught to assess and evaluate its contents, whether it has the right vitamins, the right amount of calories, carbohydrates and fats, where it comes from, who makes it, whether it’s “junky” or “healthy” or “bad” or “good.” We toss so much opprobrium on our food that it might as well be a condiment!

As someone with a degree in integrative nutrition, of course, I am an advocate for having fresh, organic, well-made food available to everyone. I believe that the more people have access to whole, non-chemicalized foods, the less prevalent certain diseases will become.

That being said, the way most of us talk about our food may be more unhealthy than most of the food we eat. When we talk about how “bad” or “junky” or “crappy” or “unhealthy” our food is, we create a variety of problems. Below is a list of just a few!

1. Stress Response – When you eat and think that you’re eating something bad for you, this creates a stress response in the body. Your body is getting two signals: digest this food but it’s bad and you should stop eating! This conflict between what you’re actually doing and what your brain thinks you should be doing creates a stress response, also known as a “fight or flight” response. When you’re in fight or flight mode, the blood rushes away from the core of your body (where digestion takes place) to your limbs (where fighting and fleeing take place!). As a result of stressing yourself out about what you’re eating while you’re eating, you become unable to fully digest your food.
2. Negative Messages – By telling yourself that what you eat is bad or wrong or unhealthy, you’re also telling yourself that you are only worthy of such food; i.e., that you’re bad or wrong or unhealthy.
3. Oh, The Guilt! – With all of these negative messages, you also set up a guilt response. As a result, you start to feel guilty about what you eat and then seek out (often unconsciously) more sweet, salty or carbohydrate-packed foods – foods that provide a chemically soothing response – as penance for your guilt.

Luckily, shifting negative thoughts about food is actually quite simple, and I’d like to share one my favorite methods with you right now!

Take a moment, every time you eat, to bless your food. Take a moment to thank Mother Nature, another deity, the food itself, or yourself for feeding your body and nourishing yourself so well. Make this blessing truly your own and have fun with it. Your blessing can be as easy as a quick gratitude list for your food. You can think it to yourself or say it aloud. Getting your friends in on it will make it even more pleasurable. And if you’re accustomed to already blessing your meals as part of a religious practice, pay even more attention to the words you use. Feel the gratitude for the food in your body.
Comment below and let us know if you notice any changes in your relationship to food this week or tell us if you come up with any particularly great blessings!

And don’t forget to check out my blog at More of Me to Love.

Also, please stop by Golda’s Facebook group and become a member of the Body Love Wellness Group!

by Golda Poretsky, H.H.C.

Remember way back in late March when I asked you to make a desires list? Take a moment to find that list. Does your list need some retooling? Take time to cross entries off the list that no longer interest you and make sure to add any new desires to the list. Also, look through and see which ones you’ve attained. For those, put a check mark next to them and write, “Thank You!” Allow yourself to feel the gratitude in your body. Also, if you didn’t make a desires list in March, now’s as good a time as any to put one together.

The energy of new beginnings is about our incredible ability to reinvent ourselves. When we resolve to look at the world with fresh eyes, we can see new opportunities where once we saw none; we can hope for change where once we believed stagnation inevitable. If you’re feeling stuck in patterns that no longer serve you, you may want to try affirmations or try on new beliefs about your life in order to shift your inner world, and, consequently, your outer world.

It’s also very important to have fun with the process of reinventing your life and achieving your desires. Having fun with your desires means taking pleasure and enjoyment from thinking about them and when experiencing them. For example, even if your desire to live in a gorgeous mansion isn’t so attainable right now, you can still go to a museum or historical society housed in an old mansion and enjoy imagining what it would be like to live there. Choosing fun and pleasure is a delicious way to get enjoyment out of your desires even if you haven’t attained them quite yet. And I really encourage you to think big with your desires, even if you’re feeling resistant and going for what you want is a stretch outside of your comfort zone.

Now get to that desires list! (I’m even hoping that one of your desires is to never diet again!)

For more information on Golda’s programs, please go to www.bodylovewellness.com. Please stop by the Body Love Wellness Facebook group and become a member of the Body Love Wellness Group!

I love the symbolism of Passover and Easter, moving from enslavement to freedom, wandering in a desert to reach a new home, coming back from death to serve a new role in the world. In each of these celebrations there is a vibration of change, possibility and growth. We are reminded that change is not always easy: you may have to endure pain in some form (plagues/crucifixion), feel lost and unsure (wandering in the desert), or even lose a part of yourself (death) in order to change and create something new.

How often do you feel “stuck” in your life? Do you ever dream of changing jobs or moving to a new place, but find that you have a million reason why you can’t? Do you think about learning guitar, or writing a book, or teaching a class, but it just seems impossible? What about little things like telling the truth to a friend who’s hurt you or saying, “No” to something that isn’t for you? I find that sometimes the little things, like just saying “no” to a request, can seem harder than writing a book. That is, we feel stuck when we struggle to change.

Part of the reason why change can seem difficult is that we often have a fixed idea of who we are. Take a moment to think of a few adjectives that you might use to describe yourself.

For example, you may think of yourself as “logical, reliable, and generous.” These are all good things to be, right? So, let’s say a friend comes to you and asks for a small loan. He always pays you back promptly, with interest, and he says he needs the money and will pay you back within a week. Your gut is telling you not to do it, and you want to say “no” to your friend, but another part of you insists on giving him the loan because you think of yourself – and like to think of yourself – as “logical, reliable, and generous.” Your logical mind says he always pays back with interest, and you want to be a reliable and generous friend. Thus, you lend the money and try to ignore that nagging feeling that you have shouldn’t have lent him the money. In essence, the deeper desire to say “no” was overridden in favor of an ingrained self-perception.

This is just an example of how our fixed perceptions conflict with our deeper desires. When this happens, we feel “stuck.” We know on a deep level what we want to do, but we don’t believe it’s possible because acting in that fashion is not in keeping with what we think we know about ourselves or the roles that we’ve taken on in life.

So how do we shift from stuck to unstuck? Well, the first step is identifying our beliefs about ourselves.

You can start with, “I am _______” or “I am a ________.” Make an actual list on paper if you can. Include everything – even things that seem obvious like, “I am a New Yorker,” or, “I have brown hair.” Have lots of fun with it, identifying all those things you know about yourself.

Next, take one area that you’d like to change and try identifying with it, at least for a week. If you would really like to be a writer, try identifying with that notion for a week. Try saying to yourself or others, “I am a writer” or, “I am studying writing.” If you’re thinking of moving to another city, like Seattle for example, try, “I am moving to Seattle,” or, “I live in Seattle.” If saying these things is difficult for you at first, then you can just try this, “I am open to possibilities and positive change.” As you draw conclusions about certain things, like deciding that you really do want to be a Seattlan or that it’s just not for you, move onto other identities that might suit you. As you find identities you like, pursue them: start writing or move to Seattle!

Like affirmations, this may feel funny at first. It may feel uncomfortable or feel like a lie. It’s not a lie, though: it’s an experiment. You’re trying on a new way of being and a new way of responding to others. You are researching your own happiness.

In fact, next time someone asks you what you do, just say, “I’m a happiness researcher.” You’re guaranteed a good conversation from that one response!

Want some individualized attention getting unstuck? Check out www.bodylovewellness.com to set up a free consultation with Golda! You can also check out my blog at http://www.moreofmetolove.com/blogs/category/soul_food/.

Also—attention New Yorkers! Golda will be teaching 3 workshops this April in Brooklyn. For more info or to register, go to www.bodylovewellness.com/UpcomingWorkshops.html. The first class is Tuesday, April 14th!