How To Handle Haters Hating

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Haters Gonna Hate By Omar Noory from http://thisisallido.com

by Golda Poretsky, HHC
http://www.bodylovewellness.com

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Last week, I had a weirdly cathartic moment watching a Yankees vs. Red Sox game. The game was at Fenway, and I noticed that each time Alex Rodriguez (who is a Yankee) walked to the plate, he was greeted by a roar of tens of thousands of people booing him.

I realize that a Yankee getting booed in Boston is nothing new. Yet, I started to think about how strange it must be to get booed for doing your job really well. Whether they hate his personal life or the Yankees or whatever, most people would agree that, at least based on the numbers, Alex Rodriguez is one of the greatest players in the history of baseball, right? And yet, he pretty much gets booed in every away game in every stadium across the country.

I had actually decided to watch that game that day because I was feeling really fed up. I had just received a couple of really fat-hating comments on my blog, and an email from a woman who thought my work was too “women-centric.” Watching the game was a little retreat for me. And yet, I found myself feeling good as I watched ARod get booed. Not from schadenfreude, but because it was really inspiring. Seeing him get hit after hit, despite the booing, reminded me of this really important lesson.

Haters gonna hate. That’s just what they do.

As a proponent of Health At Every Size and a fat activist, I know what it’s like to push ahead despite the presence of vociferous haters. The more my work gets out there, the more hateful comments I get, the more angry emails I get, the more funny looks I get.

Whether you’ve just been dabbling in body acceptance or you’re a full-on fat activist, you’ve probably experienced similar things. And because none of us have a $30-million a year contract to keep us going, I think it’s important to look at how to keep going in the face of haters. How do you stand in your commitment to being at peace with your body when the “common wisdom” (a wisdom which is paid for by the $60 billion a year diet industry, among other industries) is against you?

1) Your New Mantra — “Haters Gonna Hate” — I’m a big proponent of using really positive affirmations strategically to change internal thought patterns, so “haters gonna hate” is not the kind of mantra that I’d usually recommend. I do find, however, that “haters gonna hate” is an extremely powerful phrase to use when hatred for your choices is coming your way. It’s a reminder that there will always be haters — people in your life who like to denigrate what you’re all about — and it’s pretty much their job to hate. So if haters are hating on you, that’s just what they do, and you can let it go. You can, then, really focus your attention on people who love what you’re about or are at least open-minded about it, instead of taking that hater’s hate to heart.

2) The Alternative Is No Alternative — If you’ve already started to experiment with body positivity and Health At Every Size, it’s pretty much impossible to go back to full-on body hatred and the belief that you should “do something” about your weight. It creates extreme cognitive dissonance to sit in a Weight Watchers’ meeting fiddling with your points tracker and flagellating yourself over gaining .4 pounds when you’ve been reading body positive blogs all weekend. It just doesn’t work, at least not for long.

3) Being A Revolutionary Is Never Easy — Being body positive in a world where teenagers are getting botox and Dove is pushing deodorant that makes your “unsightly” underarms look prettier is not easy. You are bucking an entrenched system that tells you that hating your body is the right way to feel and that feeling that way is for your own good. This sort of revolution is the kind that “has to be believed to be seen.”* We have to outpicture for ourselves a world where people’s bodies, no matter what their size, are treated with respect and love. Not only that, we have to “be the change we wish to see in the world”** by actively being positive about our bodies, refusing to engage in negative body talk, refusing to engage in diet talk, wearing clothes that make us feel good rather than hide, and having conversations about why the pathologizing of fat hurts us all. This can be an extremely tall order and cause tension — but it’s necessary tension. We might not always do a perfect job at it either, but that’s okay. If we want to truly change the world we have to be easier on ourselves about being uneasy.

Feel free to let me know what helps you when the haters start hating.

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Golda is a certified holistic health counselor and founder of Body Love Wellness, a program designed for plus-sized women who are fed up with dieting and want support to stop obsessing about food and weight. To learn more about Golda and her work, click here.

*I’m quoting a U2 song here (“Walk On”). I really wanted to quote Emma Goldman or Martin Luther King, Jr. and I somehow went with Bono.
**Gandhi quote! Yes!

33 thoughts on “How To Handle Haters Hating”

  1. I have a wide variety of comebacks and I am not afraid to use them. I don’t believe in being kind and tolerant to ppl spewing garbage at me. Maybe I’m just not that adult. My feeling is, how dare they belittle and humiliate me, expecting me to TAKE IT cus I desperately do need “THEIR” reality check! After all, if I didn’t — I wouldn’t be overweight. Now would I!
    Errr! Pet peeve!

  2. This post was EXACTLY what I needed to read this morning. I’m new at body acceptance and I have a baby FA blog, and I’m beginning to get comments really criticizing my decision for how to take care of my body — went to bed last night hurt and angry after a particularly nasty interaction, and frustrated with myself for being so thin-skinned. So this post is super timely for me, and I’m planning to bookmark it to reread whenever the trolls come out. Thank you!

  6. “Haters Gonna Hate” Golda it is a very apt time for me to read this. I am a very, very large woman living in a thin world, I take up a lot of space. :)
    Anyway I am relatively new to the fatosphere and feel that I might be in another category alltogether with the weight I am. I struggle at times to know if it is wvwn appropriate to align myself within the fat acceptance when my weight has resulted in having serious health issues which impact on my life so vmuch. I have been isolated in my home since June 2008. I rarely leave my home as I can not drive now and my mobility restricts me. I have been subjected too much denigration by those ‘helpful’soles who want to help me by yelling out terrible things and even family members who are very cruel with their words. All this in the name of love.
    I have felt so bad for many years, however over the past couple of years being stuck at home I have begun the huge job of learning to love myself. Learning to accept that I am allowed to like myself and who I am despite the size of my body. I am not my fat. I am so much more. But it is a lonely place when you try to tell others about it. No one can accept that I don’t diet anymore. I have decided that I am sick of the diet talk, after all it has been the major bloody topic for the last friggen 30 + years.
    Wow, sorry for the lengthy reply. I like your stuff and thank you for contributing to our knowledge. :)

    1. @Jan, thanks for sharing that. I personally don’t think you can be too fat for fat acceptance nor too thin.

      I really feel for you and your struggles. I know it’s not easy to be stuck at home. It’s also not easy to reach out for support and not get it — at least not the real, unconditional support that doesn’t center around you changing your body.

      Anyway, I’m happy that you are here at that you shared, so thank you!

      1. @Golda Poretsky, H.H.C.,

        Thanks Golda.:)
        That is exactly what I need and crave- unconditional love and support. Thankfully in my travels over the past year or so I have found some beautiful souls from the internet and those in person. I feel validated when I am connecting with these people and really have come a long way, but still need to complete the journey.

        Thanks Golda

  7. Golda, this was a really great post and right on time! And I commend you for standing up against your adversaries. But one thing’s for sure, if you’re getting all of this hate, that probably means you’re doing something right.

    I had pretty much risen above the fray of all the weight loss talk and obsession until my dad was recently diagnosed as pre-diabetic. That means both of my grandmothers died of diabetes complications and both of my parents have it now. After I thought about all of this, I started to panic about my weight again, fantasizing about what the latest fad diet could do for me, etc… But I have to keep reminding myself to just make healthy choices and not drive myself crazy.

    1. @Trenia, I think it’s great that you stopped yourself when you started thinking about the latest fad diet. I think that’s the place that we often go to — we have fear and we’ve been sold on dieting being the answer for so long that there’s still that part of our brains that want to go there. I’m just wishing you and your parents the best — and maybe some of your sanity and groundedness will rub off on them!

  8. great topic! I have been following and participating in some exploration of fat hate on twitter (#thingsfatpeoplearetold) and while it has been cathartic, I am at a loss of what to do with the fat-hating comments I am subject too regularly. After I rode my bike 9 miles to work, and had taken a 20 minute walk on my lunch break, so one told me, “you need a gym”. I was so furious about their presumption of my health levels. But I am no where near the place of letting positive energy go out into the universe, or saying “haters gonna hate”. I don’t know how to get there.

    1. @fatvegancommie, I’m not always there either and there’s nothing wrong with getting mad! If someone told me “you need a gym” I’d probably respond with “you need to mind your own business and shut the f___ up” if I could think that fast. Or, if I were in my more generous mode, I might ask that person why they think it’s okay to tell me that. Whatever. I think that whatever you do in the moment is perfect. And we should get mad. But if you find that criticism or someone’s words are really eating at you, I think it’s time to remind yourself that haters are gonna hate.

  9. Are you looking into my soul or something? I was sitting in my WW meeting yesterday thinking about how much it’s NOT working for me and that I feel two-faced sitting there every week. People freak out over half a pound, and I’ve done it as well in the past.

    I’ve been exploring this body love topic with a lot of people lateley… and I was shocked by how many people reject it. Even people I thought were on my side.

    I recently had this revelation that I didn’t like my body any more when I was 80 pounds thinner, so why am I striving so hard to change it now? Why can’t I just love it? I didn’t have more romance then, didn’t have more money, didn’t have this fabulous life that you’re “supposed to” have when you’re thin. In fact, my life is WAY more fabulous now despite my “weight problem.” You’re rubbing off on me, Golda!

    1. @Lisa, Ha ha! You caught me! I am looking into your soul. (Actually, I’ve just lived what you’re going through so I know what it’s like!)

      Yeah, it’s really a bummer when you grasp the idea of body acceptance and you think other people will too. It’s totally logical. It’s just that people are really brainwashed by the diet/cosmetic/pharma industries so it’s not always easy to wake them up.

      I know it was kind of weird of me to suggest that you and Marianne hang. She’s just really body positive and cool and I think you guys would get along famously. It’s nice to be able to surround yourself with people like that.

      I think you’ll really enjoy this post: http://www.bodylovewellness.com/2011/01/17/breaking-down-the-desire-to-be-thinner/. You may even want to send it around to some friends!

      xoxo

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