Angel In A Red Dress, by Aubry, Lady At Large

by Golda Poretsky, H.H.C.
www.bodylovewellness.com

Listen to the podcast of this post here:

Just in time for summer… a reminder to exercise your right to bare arms.

I think nearly everyone knows that feeling, that feeling of being uncomfortable in your body and wearing too much clothing to cover it up. How many of you have worn a sweater over a sleeveless dress in sweltering heat to cover up areas of your body that you wanted to hide? How many of you have worn a t-shirt in the pool for the same reason? How many of you have worn all black on a hot summer’s day?

I can answer an emphatic “I have” to all of the above questions. I’ve done all of those things – and more. And all they made me was sweaty, uncomfortable and angry. I felt angry that I “wasn’t allowed” to dress the way that thinner people dressed and I was angry at myself for being fat.

A few years ago I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t going to let myself be angry and uncomfortable (or sweaty!) any more. I realized that the idea that I “wasn’t allowed” to wear less clothing was really a self-imposed rule. No matter how it might feel, you can’t get a ticket for wearing a tank top!

When I was just learning to love my body, I started using a technique that I’m going to share with you right now. I would decide that whatever part of my body that I was feeling iffy or wrong about was the absolute, most sexy, attractive, alluring part of my body. Not only was this part of my body super gorgeous, it was so gorgeous that people wished that their bodies looked that way.

Now, I realize that this might seem way over the top, and, indeed, it is. I have found, however, that sometimes you need to swing the pendulum way in the opposite direction before things start to even out. So if you’re going around hating your belly, you may just have to decide that your belly is the sexiest thing on the planet before you can start to feel reasonably good, every day, about your belly.

Why does this matter? Because hiding your body sends a message to others and to yourself. It sends a message that you are uncomfortable with how you look and that your body is unacceptable. It sends the message that making yourself acceptable to other people is more important than your own needs. And I can tell you that the more you try to be acceptable to other people by ignoring what you need, the more you will feel unfulfilled, angry, self-hateful, uncomfortable, and, at least in the summer, sweaty.

If you’re sick of feeling bad about how you look and want to know how you can feel better this summer (and beyond), join me for my upcoming free teleclass — How To Feel Sexy At Any Size.

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Golda Poretsky, H.H.C. is a certified holistic health counselor who specializes in transforming your relationship with food and your body. Go to http://www.bodylovewellness.com/stay-in-touch/ to sign up for her newsletter and get your free download — Golda’s Top Ten Tips For Divine Dining!

The other night, I found myself watching School of Rock with Jack Black.  I had seen it when it came out, but I had nearly forgotten about this little exchange between the plus-sized Tomika (played by Maryam Hassan) and Jack Black’s character, Dewey Finn.

Tomika: [explaining why she is nervous] They’ll laugh at me.
Dewey Finn: What? Why would they laugh at you?
Tomika: I dunno… because I’m fat.
Dewey Finn: Tomika… Ok, you’ve heard of Aretha Franklin right? She’s a big lady. But when she sings, she blows people’s minds! Everyone wants to party with Aretha! And, you know who else has a weight problem?
Tomika: Who?
Dewey Finn: Me. But when I get up there and start doing my thing, people worship me! Because I’m sexy, and chubby, man.

Freaking awesome.

So, here’s a snippet from “Locating Your Fabulous Fat Lineage” which I wrote last year as I was about to start performing with the now defunct musical improv group, MC Hammerstein.

Even though I do this work all the time, I still have body image slip-ups — moments when I feel self conscious or have a momentary desire to limit something I do b/c of how I look.

I recently was asked to join a musical improv comedy group. I love doing musical improv (we basically improvise a 40 minute musical every week) so I was really excited to join. But then, I had one of those moments of self doubt that can be so compounded for those of us who have or have had body image issues. I started thinking that I’d be the biggest woman in the group, and that just snowballed into a whole cascade of insecurities, like, “What if I’m the fattest woman in the group and my voice is off/I sing wrong notes/I’m not funny….”

So I did something that I often tell my clients to do. I found pictures of some of the greatest women comedians and singers and actors who were also fat and fabulous. Immediately, I thought of ones who are still around — Queen Latifah, Kim Coles, Camryn Manheim, Kathy Bates, Adele, Aretha Franklin. But then I decided to dig a little deeper, and I found some more outrageously gorgeous and talented and fat women. [All quoted info is from Wikipedia.]

Lillian “Diamond Lil” Russell — “One of the most famous actresses and singers of the late 19th century and early 20th century, known for her beauty and style, as well as for her voice and stage presence.”

Sophie Tucker — “Singer and comedian and one of the most popular entertainers in America during the first two-thirds of the 20th century…. She was billed as The Last of the Red Hot Mamas, as her hearty sexual appetite was a frequent subject of her songs, unusual for female performers of the era.”

Willie Mae (“Big Mama”) Thornton — “American Texas blues, rhythm and blues (R&B) singer, and songwriter. She was the first to record the hit song “Hound Dog” in 1952. The song was #1 on the Billboard R&B charts for seven weeks. The B-side was “They Call Me Big Mama,” and the single sold almost two million copies.”

Kate Smith — “American singer, best known for her rendition of Irving Berlin’s “God Bless America”. Smith had a radio, TV and recording career spanning five decades, reaching its most-remembered zenith in the 1940s.”

Mahalia Jackson — “American gospel singer, widely regarded as the best in the history of the genre, and is the first “Queen of Gospel Music”. With her powerful, distinct voice, Mahalia Jackson became one of the most influential gospel singers in the world. She recorded about 30 albums (mostly for Columbia Records) during her career, and her 45 rpm records included a dozen “golds” million-sellers.”

I’m not saying I sing like Mahalia or photograph like Diamond Lil, but doing this exercise helped remind me that the cultural moment in which we’re living is really just a blip. It helped me see myself as part of a lineage of beautiful, talented, outrageous and larger-than-life women who were beloved by audiences for decades.

If they can do that, I can make people laugh in a little theatre on 29th street, even if I go off key sometimes.

Try This: Find images and information about fabulously fat people who have done what you’re feeling discouraged about doing. (Trade magazines and web sites are good for this sort of thing when you’re looking for people who are not always in the public eye.) Do a collage, journal entry or blog entry about them. Paste your own picture in there for good measure, so that you can see yourself as part of this heritage. Let me know how it goes! 

Golda Poretsky, HHC
www.bodylovewellness.com

Listen to the podcast here:

Since I find myself spouting heresies every week at the Body Love Wellness Blog, I want to give you one more to chew on.

You Are Not Broken.

I say this because you are not an agglomeration of problems to be fixed and you are not in a race to see how fast you can fix them. I say this because you are really okay, right here and now.

I know that most of us go through our day connecting with what we see as our chronic problems. For many of you reading this blog, you have lived your life under the the spectre of your “weight problem”. Your “weight problem” colors everything you do, the way you interact with the world, the products you buy, the way you expect your body to function, the way you choose everything from your clothes to your lovers. And you think if you could just fix the weight problem, if you could just solve for x, everything else would fall into place, and you and your life would no longer be broken.

For others it’s not a weight problem. It’s some other problem that we’ve identified as being ours. It could be anything from infertility to cancer to crow’s feet. We all have certain problems that we magnify and see as the source of further problems.

We get lots of support in seeing our problems as the focus of our lives. Whether it’s an advertisment on television or a doctor’s advice, we’re constantly told that we need to get our problems under control, fix them, mitigate them, etc. We get the message that it’s our duty to elminate the problem so that we can then be happy and make everyone else happy. We understand that we shouldn’t rest until the problem is appropriately counteracted.

When we live our lives constantly focused on problems, we end up identifying with the problems themselves. As a result, we make poor choices and miss out on much of the good of life. (I can feel the chronic dieters out there nodding their heads as they read this.)

Only people who see themselves as having a weight problem would ever sign up for a diet program. Only a person who saw their weight problem as a major issue that had to get solved would sign up for getting weighed in at a meeting every week, eating prepackaged food for three meals a day, drinking diet shakes, starving themselves, making themselves vomit, etc. etc. If you don’t think you have a weight problem, you don’t do those things to yourself.

In other words, if you don’t see yourself as having a weight problem, you might actually be able to eat relatively healthfully, regardless of your size. You would be able to hear that voice inside your body that says, “I would like to eat that” or “I would not like to eat that” or “I’m hungry” or “I’m full.” You might also be able to hear your intuition more when it tells you things like, “I’d like to go back to school” or “I’d like to break up with my boyfriend” or “yoga is fun” or whatever your particular consciousness most desires. When you’re stuck in the problem, it’s hard to hear anything other than “I need to get this fixed right now in order to be happy.”

So, I will write it again. You are not broken. You are not a problem to be solved. Solving your “problem”, whatever you perceive your problem or problems to be, is not the key to happiness.

This week, I want you to identify whatever you think your big problem is. (For most of you, you’ll know it instantly.) Live this week as if your big problem was not a problem. Live as if it were already solved or wasn’t a problem at all. Notice what feels different. Notice if you feel better. As always, let us know how it goes in the comments below.

Attention New Yorkers! Golda and Body Love Wellness are now offering reiki treatments at a wonderful rate. Click here for more info!

by Golda Poretsky, H.H.C
www.bodylovewellness.com

I was just finishing up my blog for this week, when I received yet another email from a friend about how to lose weight easily by changing your relationship with food. In this email in particular, a very well respected holistic doctor was teaching a class on how changing your thoughts will change your body and cause weight loss.

I’m going to write something here that may garner me a few enemies, but in my ample experience, it’s the truth.

If something promises you weight loss, it’s bullsh*t. In fact, as George Carlin said, “It’s bullsh*t, and it’s bad for ya.”

I’m telling you the truth here. It’s a truth you may not want to hear. If it’s a diet program, you might indeed lose weight initially, but 95-98% of diets fail to cause weight loss that lasts longer than 3 to 5 years. If it’s not a diet program, but a positive thinking/ affirmation based program, it may cause some weight loss for some people, but not all people. If it’s an intuitive eating program, it may cause some weight loss for some people, but not all people. If it’s an exercise program, it may cause some weight loss for some people, but not all people. In other words, you could do all of this stuff, and you could do it all correctly, and it might not cause any weight loss.

In other words, it’s bullsh*t.

Why am I telling you this?

For three reasons:

1) I don’t want you to waste your money on this bullsh*t anymore.

2) I don’t want you to think that you failed at something that doesn’t work for everyone to begin with.

3) I don’t want you to do Health At Every Size type stuff (positive thinking, intuitive eating, body acceptance, healthy body movement) because you think it will make you lose weight. Because if, god forbid, you don’t lose weight, you might stop all of this Health At Every Size type stuff which is really healthy no matter what you weigh and no matter if you lose weight or not.

I know that many of the people that push this non-diet weight loss stuff are well-meaning, but they’re still peddling bullsh*t. Even if their program caused them to lose weight, or caused a couple of their clients to lose weight, that does not mean that you’ll lose weight. And when you try their bullsh*t out and you don’t lose weight and they shift the blame back to you and tell you you must be doing something wrong, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Same goes for if you lose weight and gain it back.

That’s why when I work with clients, even when their primary goal is to lose weight, I teach them what I know about Health At Every Size. And, lo and behold, some of them lose weight and some don’t. But they all learn that their weight is not an indicator of their health, or their beauty, or their self worth. They all start to love themselves a little (or a lot) more, they all feel less stressed out about food, they all even find exercise that they like if they didn’t have that already.

So the next time you see an ad or an email or a flyer from someone who promises weight loss if you do their program, let it raise a red flag. Or, as I would say, sound the bullsh*t alarms.

If you want to share a “Bullsh*t Alarms” experience with me, please do so in the comments.

Starting in two days, I’m teaching a 3 week teleclass to support you in your intuitive eating and body love journey. If you want to try out Health At Every Size for yourself, here is your chance!

And as always, let’s stay connected. Please stop by my Facebook group and become a member of the Body Love Wellness Group! You can also follow me on Twitter.

As I mentioned in my last post, I spent much of last week in lovely Southern California. Happily, I did little more on vacation than swim at various beaches and eat insanely good avocados. As a result, I found myself loving Southern California and wondering why, for my entire life, I have insisted on living in and staying in New York. I found myself literally rattling off all the reasons why New York was clearly terrible, including things like trying to get to work on the subway in 100 degree heat while wearing a suit, the fact that we only have about two months of beach weather, and the quality of the aforementioned avocados.

In essence, I couldn’t allow California to be good, without making New York bad. I literally found myself arguing about the relative qualities of the Atlantic versus the Pacific Oceans.

At some point, I came to my senses and started to realize that in order for California to be good, New York didn’t have to be bad. They could both be different and great in some ways and not so great in other ways.

I know that many times in my life, I’ve viewed various experiences in this all good/all bad paradigm. After having lost some weight on the Atkins diet, I literally could not understand why everyone wouldn’t want to try this diet and lose weight. I would see people eating bagels and think that they were crazy. I would think, Why would you eat so many carbs (so bad!) when you could go on Atkins and lose weight (so good!)? When I gained back the weight on Atkins and later started with Weight Watchers, I would think the exact same thing but with slightly different wording: Why would you not count points and eat so much fat (so bad!) when you could go on Weight Watchers and lose weight (so good!)? I thought this, of course, until I gained back the weight because diets don’t actually work. Nonetheless, I used this paradigm with so many things in my life, from jobs, to apartments, to guys I dated. In order to make one thing good I always had to make another one bad.

Even the good/bad paradigm isn’t all bad—it makes decision making much easier. It fails to take into account, however, the reality of much of the world, which is (and this is very hard for me to say as someone who follows politics) not typically all good or all bad. Most of our bad experiences have a drop of something good in them, something that we learned to overcome or that informed our choices later in life. I could look back on all of the crazy-making dieting I used to do and just see it as all bad, or I could look at the gifts it gave me, including a career in helping people stop dieting and learn to love their bodies. Our good experiences often encompass something difficult that we had to work through as well. The more we’re able to acknowledge the nuances of our experiences, the more we’re able to experience them fully and grow as a result.

This week, take a moment to think about something in your life that you have the all-good/all-bad approach to, and see if you can change your perception of it to one with more nuance. Feel free to comment below and let me know what you noticed!

As always, stop by my Facebook group and become a member of the Body Love Wellness Group! Also, follow me on Twitter.