virgie Virgie is the editor of Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love and Fashion. Her talk, 10 Things About Sex You Always Wanted to Know But Were Afraid to Ask, is part of the Body Positive Dating Master Class happening this Saturday. For tickets and more info, click here.
Body Love Wellness: As a sex educator, what’s the top question that people ask you?
Virgie Tovar: The top questions is always some variation on the question: Am I normal? Men often want to know if their penis is an “ok” size or if their fantasies make them weird or creepy. I get questions about whether it’s ok if you don’t orgasm during sex or if it’s ok to have sex with someone you don’t know that well. I’ve heard many sex educators refer to these kinds of questions as “permission-seeking.” We live in a sexphobic culture that has chosen to shroud people in sexual negativity and ignorance. People are looking for someone to say: “yes, your penis is fine, the way you orgasm is great, your sexual decision-making doesn’t make you a horrible person and it’s not going to ruin your life.
BLW: Your bio for our event mention that you’re an “absurdly successful deal closer.” Do you think this is a teachable skill or are some people just born with it (or both)?
VT: Golda, EVERYone has game. I repeat: everyone has game. When we speak about love, relationships, sex and dating – and experiencing or “getting” those things – we are talking about skills. No one is born knowing how to have a beautiful and sustainable relationship. No one is born knowing how to ask for what they want sexually and romantically. These are things we learn over time. I have tons to say about this question, but I’m going to stop there. I’m going to talk a lot more about this on Saturday.
BLW: If you could go back in time (let’s say, to high school) and tell your teenage self something about sex and dating, what would you say?
VT: In a few years you’re going to be the hottest thing Pinole Valley High has ever produced. In a few years the DJ of the hip hop station the popular kids listen to is going to ask you out and you’re going to turn him down. You’re going to make out with the guy who was on the morning news that Ms. Barlow made you watch for extra credit; he’s going to swallow your nose ring. Oh yeah, you get a nose piercing when you’re living in Italy (yes, you live in Italy for a while) and you meet a guy named Leonardo at an ATM the first day you arrive and he becomes your lover. You’re going to meet the boy of your dreams after he sends you a love letter that’s 11 pages long. He’s going to show you what love really feels like. And he’s going to have a super sexy accent. Girl, your romance rap sheet is going to be, like, legendary. So, enjoy the debate team and the marching band now because once you graduate your heart and your vaj aren’t getting another break like this for probably 50 years.
You can catch Virgie’s talk, 10 Things About Sex You Always Wanted to Know But Were Afraid to Ask, with an all-access ticket to the Body Positive Master Class. Get yours here!