The Dreaded Curse Of “Bad” Photos

by Golda Poretsky, H.H.C.
www.bodylovewellness.com

Listen to the podcast of this post here:

Do not adjust your monitors. The image below is not some work of photoshop magic. It is merely a scan of photos that are now irreparably stuck together because they were left on a radiator.

Totally ruined vacation pics

Why would anyone leave perfectly good pictures of a vacation to a tropical paradise atop a hot radiator? That is an excellent question. Well, that picture at the top of the stack was the only picture of myself in the whole stack, and, at the time, I hated it. I couldn’t stand how I looked. Back in 2005, before I had heard of fat acceptance, this picture confirmed for me how fat I was (and yes, I’m definitely fatter now). To my mind at the time, fat equaled bad. Consequently, I never put the photos into an album, and “unintentionally” left them on a radiator, where they melded together. I had taken them with a disposable camera (my digital camera died in the middle of my trip), have no idea where the negatives are, and consequently lost all photographic evidence of this trip, save for this melted pile.

As a result of this picture and pressure from people in my life who were doing Weight Watchers, I embarked on my last diet.  To make a long story short, I lost a bunch of weight, started gaining it back (like everyone else), found HAES(R) and fat acceptance and eventually gained it all back, plus more.

For the first time since that trip, I’m going on vacation to a tropical local (with my fabulous friend Anne).  In the past, I would have avoided any pictures of myself.  The fact that I only had one picture of myself from a 5-day trip speaks volumes about my nearly lifelong avoidance of pictures.  I never felt good looking at pictures — they weren’t reminders of lovely trips and time with friends, they were reminders that I never looked as good or “acceptable” as I thought I did.  They just made me depressed.

Even as I got deeper into body acceptance, pictures were still hard for me.  I could wrap my head around the idea that fat didn’t equal bad, but I always seemed to have more fat than I thought.  I always had a bigger double chin, a bigger belly, etc. than I thought.

In the last few years, I’ve done some great experimenting with photography.  I think it all started when I took Lesleigh J. Owen‘s class at the NAAFA Convention, where she encouraged us to take “bad” pictures of ourselves.  Being encouraged to do that was really liberating.  I also started to seek out more images of fat people in general, whether they were artfully done like Adipositivity or just regular pictures of regular folks.  I realized that I needed to change my perception of what was “normal” or “good” when it came to pictures.  I didn’t want looking skinnier than usual to be my only criterion for a good picture.

So, I’m hoping to do this vacation a little differently, and end up with some beautiful pictures, including ones of me.

Do any of you have this picture phobia?  I hope you’ll share in the comments below.

Golda is a certified holistic health counselor and founder of Body Love Wellness, a program designed for plus-sized women who are fed up with dieting and want support to stop obsessing about food and weight. Go to http://www.bodylovewellness.com/free to get your free download — Golda’s Top Ten Tips For Divine Dining!

7 thoughts on “The Dreaded Curse Of “Bad” Photos

  1. I’ve despised having my picture taken since I was a child. Before I was really old enough to care how I looked in a photograph, all I knew was the flash hurt my eyes, so most pictures of me as a child are of me crying or trying to hide my eyes.

    As I got older, reality set in and though I got over my fear of the flash [and the exploding flashbulbs went out of fashion thank God], I found it uncomfortable to look at myself in pictures. I always looked too fat, too red in the face, my smile wasn’t right. I have one or two good pictures of me [one, believe it or not, was my first driver’s license photo-but I was 17 then and hadn’t learned how to yo-yo diet]. I see now that my children will miss out on having photos of me. There are only a few since they were born. I’d like to get over this, but it’s so long ingrained in me to stay to the back of the crowd or duck out when someone pulls out a camera.

  2. There’s a photo of me when I was 9 or 10 — one sibling has my arms, and another my legs and I am hanging between them. It was the only way they could get a photo of me in my Easter dress. As soon as they let me go, I went howling to my room and cried my eyes out.

    So yes, I could be said to have a long-standing picture phobia. ;-)

    I have relatives who always look fabulous in photos, and it IS indeed the attitude. I’m trying to emulate them these days.

  3. I still struggle with this picture thing, even tho I know for a fact how does the photography industry works (Dam I had worked on it) and some times I cant stop thinking dam I should had cover the sides of my face, I look distorted, or some other negatives remarks (which I know that in fact is not that bad, I have some cronic inflammation on that area of my face, and in some angles it shows a lot more)I panic for a while and then start gaining my logic back…
    Ok
    First: different lenses of a camera deliver different results for your face in a picture, which explains why you see your self in the mirror and say I look smoking hot! then look at the pictures of the day and get the freaky reaction of “What the hell was wrong with me!” different lenses make you look better or worse depending on your personal features.
    so that’s my first step to relaxation.

    Secondly
    My worse photos where those where I was so concerned to look good on them that I ended up with a weird expression on the face from nervousness,a spooked face or a shy pose ( Which includes not standing straight)as a result it ends up in a awful picture of me looking unconfortable, in contrast my best pictures where those where I simply didn’t mind for the picture to be taken, and I was actually enjoying the moment even posing with confidence).

    So, in short enjoy the moment, stand straight with confidence, which sometimes I forget to do myself(you don’t need to stand as straight as soldier XD tho, that might be weird too)smile and enjoy the moment with your friends, your vacations or your family, just relax! and remember that if you get a weird looking picture it might as well be the lenses of the camera!
    Smile girls! and enjoy that’s all :)

  4. YES. I am so happy you wrote about this, Golda, because it’s something that I’m currently struggling with! The worst for me is to go back to the beginning of my Facebook albums and look at how I looked back then, in those clothes that I no longer have because I’ve outgrown them, etc. etc. I should try to see those photos as happy memories from good times and with good friends in my life (which they are) but much of the time, I simply focus on and obsess over my own body and where it was and where it is now. Nevermind that now I eat vegetarian and work out several times a week, which I’ve never done before. Nevermind that I’m in a healthy relationship with a loving man and my weight no longer fluctuates based on how well (or not) I’m being treated by my significant other. In so many ways, things are better for me now than when those pictures were taken, yet I become nostalgic for “those days” when my jeans size was smaller. I have far fewer photos of myself on Facebook these days because I always feel exactly how you put it: like I’m not as chubby in person as I look in photos, and it upsets me and makes me feel self-conscious when posing for photos, so they turn out even worse because my face looks uncomfortable.

    I have been reading about and researching body positive movements such as HAES and fat acceptance for a couple of years now, and I’m at the point where I can see the beauty in others and I absolutely have no intention of ever dieting again. Perhaps I still have a bit more work to do before I am able to happily have my photo taken without feeling uncomfortable or worrying about the “outcome”. It’s encouraging and comforting to know that others struggle with this, too!

  5. I hope this is ok to address Amy’s comment above.

    Cameras do not capture light the same way a human eye does – it’s close, but as it produces a two dimensional image from a three dimensional one, it will never be exactly the same. And for some people, myself included, the way the camera captures the light that reflects off me is not as good a representation of what the human eye sees as is the way it captures light reflected from other people.

    However, you can manipulate that somewhat with posing. Why do celebrities have so many good pictures taken of them, even the ones who aren’t known for being movie stars? They’ve learned how to snap into a pose that makes for a good picture. I have had my picture taken with a number of celebrities, and I’ve watched them do it – they know the angle they need to stand in and how to hold their head, etc. And this takes practice – which means having your picture taken a lot.

    I still don’t like most pictures taken of me, or having my picture taken at all, but since I’ve read up on posing and done some practicing (my husband does photography as a hobby), I wince a lot less when I see the results :). It’s still a work in progress, but knowing I have some control over the outcome and learning to work that control makes it a lot easier.

  6. Girl, I totally get it. What I find the most painful is looking at pictures of myself when I was at my thinnest a couple years ago (since I did it dieting, I, of course, gained back all that weight plus some as well). I look at those pictures and it feels like I’ve been punched in the stomach because I no longer look like that. What is so strange is that, no matter how much better I feel about my body and my self right now (and I certainly do) seeing those pictures still brings me back to a space where my body will never be good enough. So what I have started doing is purposefully having my picture taken. I even started a little style section on my blog. I ask people to take my picture. I do ridiculous things in those pictures (which is what I like to do). Sometimes I look at the pictures and think, “I’m so attractive!” and sometimes I look at them and I think, “I’m so fat.” And, lucky for us all, it is possible to be both those things at the same time. Love your blog, Golda!

  7. I completely understand this. If at all possible, I’m the one behind the camera to avoid any bad pictures. If I must be in a picture, I need to turn my head to an angle to avoid my double chin, and turn my body another way so I’m angled in such a way as to not see exactly how much of me there is to love. Yes. I realize this is a work in process.

Comments are closed.