Cover Art For The Gossip's Single "Standing In The Way Of Control" (courtesy of wikipedia)
by Golda Poretsky, H.H.C.
www.bodylovewellness.com
Listen to the podcast of this post here:
How often do you hear or say phrases like this?
“My eating is so out of control.”
“If I could just get my weight under control . . .”
“I’m really bad at portion control.”
“I just have no self control.”
Often in my first session with a client, they describe a lack of control as being one of their biggest problems. We all learn to talk in terms of control. We all learn that our bodies are out of control, our eating is out of control, our self control is out of control. And so we think that what we need is more control.
What if I were to say that control is not the answer at all? What if the reason that all of these things felt out of control was a result of trying to control things?
What if relinquishing control were actually the answer?
The concept of control is aligned with the masculine paradigm.* In this paradigm, we use things like control to try to guarantee a certain outcome. For example, dieting is a very masculine paradigm way of thinking. When we diet, we try to control our eating and exercising in order to control the desired outcome of losing weight. This may actually result in the desired outcome for a while, but over time it doesn’t work, because control doesn’t work. We can never control for everything. As much as we like to think that we can, we can’t actually control our metabolism. The old “calories in/calories out” is an utter fallacy when it comes to the complex mechanism of our body.
Also, where there is control, there will eventually be rebellion. Where there is a diet there will eventually be a binge or “slip ups.” And in the masculine paradigm, the answer to rebellion, or binges, or messing up a diet will always be more control. More control leads to a bigger rebellion, and the cycle continues.
But what if we stopped trying to control? Sounds scary, right? That’s because we live in a society that glorifies the masculine paradigm, and we’ve all learned that without the stern master of control, everything will fall apart. There is some part of us that believes that if we stop trying to control our bodies, our food choices, our choices in general, that we will be shunned by society. There’s a part of us that believes that if we let go of control, we’ll gain a thousand pounds, wear a bikini to the office, and lose our friends and family. We’ve been told that control is good for us.
More control is not the answer. More control keeps you stuck.
You may be wondering, if control is part of the masculine paradigm, what might the feminine paradigm offer in its stead?
It offers trust. Self-trust and intuition.
Image courtesy of inspirationalboost.blogspot.com
From the feminine paradigm perspective, control is not needed, because you have your own internal guidance system. You have a system within you, a collaboration of body, mind and spirit, which guides you on everything from what to eat and how much, to how to approach a situation at work, to which person is best for you to date. You could call it intuition, or you could just call it you. It’s that part of you that knows what to do, even when the outside world tells you that you don’t. The more you trust this inner voice, this inner knowing, the more loud and clear it becomes. The more you act upon it, the less out of control you feel, because it was never about control in the first place.
So this week, in honor of Independence Day, ask yourself if there are any parts of your life that you want to try to control less. See how it affects your well-being, and tell me about it in the comments section below.
And by the way, if you’re ready to stop trying to control emotional or compulsive eating patterns and really allow yourself to start healing, check out my How To Heal From Emotional Eating Home Study Program. It’s only $97 through Sunday, July 10th at midnight Eastern. Click this link to get the special rate: http://www.healfromemotionaleating.com/independence.
*I realize that the terms “masculine paradigm” and “feminine paradigm” may be problematic. I’m using these terms to describe a duality of guiding principles for how people look at the world. In no way do I mean that all men are one way and all women another, or any of that. It has nothing to do with anyone’s gender or identity. It’s more to do with how an overabundance of one paradigm and a negating of the other is damaging to all of us.
Golda Poretsky, H.H.C. is a certified holistic health counselor who specializes in transforming your relationship with food and your body. Go to http://www.bodylovewellness.com/stay-in-touch/ to sign up for her newsletter and get your free download — Golda’s Top Ten Tips For Divine Dining!
Whether I overeat or not, whether I exercise or not, whether I eat “right” or not, I stay the same size. I’m learning that control is mind over matter. Most people’s bodies will stay the same size due to their genetics. This paradigm shifts between certain sizes but stays in a certain range (for me it is between a size 20 and a size 26 with me, most days, being a size 23.) I just came back from vacation, where it was discovered that my aunts and my father are all thin, and my cousins and I are all fat. (We are all a size 22/24). The role that genetics play in determining your size is a scary eye-opening experience. Thank you, Golda for your words of wisdom. What are your thoughts on weight-loss surgery? I’m considering the DS because I snore. I highly value your opinion, so any words of advice or encouragement would be much appreciated.
@Piper, Thanks for sharing your experience!
This is just my opinion (not medical advice or anything) but I don’t think WLS is a good option for 99% of people. The complications it creates are just horrendous, and I’ve known many people who have gained back all or most of the weight, just like dieting. If your snoring is really affecting your sleep, there are things that you can do that are way less invasive, like a cpap. Best of luck in whatever you decide!
@Piper, more than having to do with size, sometimes snoring has to do with the position you sleep in or the way your respiratory system is. My quite skinny fiancé snores just like my fat dad, my fluctuating aunts (one of them a fan of walking around the park at 5 am, both anti-carbonated drinks, both LOUD as heck in their sleep) and my average-sized toddler cousin. There are ways to control it, and they are external (allergic reactions to the environment, position, even the quality of your mattress and pillows) or not-having-to-do-with-weight-at-all internal (chronic sinusitis, like my cousin and dad). Says this fatty who has never been a snorer.
Oh, Golda. You are preaching to the (relatively newly converted) choir, here. In the past year, my eldest daughter was diagnosed with mental illness and my father passed away. I work with a counselor who I adore and – throughout both situations – control was a huge issue. It took some doing, but she eventually convinced me that both of those events were out of my control. Attempting to control them was going to do nothing but make me feel more helpless. I paid lip service to her advice for a few months until one night it just clicked with perfect clarity. In that moment, I also realized that the shape and size of my body is outside the realm of my control, too. My only choices are to learn to love it as it is or to drive myself crazy trying to change the unchangeable. I had been paying lip service to the HAES movement, too, but in that moment it became clear that it was the only logical approach. I still have some work to do. I would not go so far as to say that I am actually able to completely love myself the way I am now. But now the goal has shifted from changing my body (impossible) to changing my attitude towards it (completely within the realm of possibility). I have known a greater peace since coming to that realization than I have ever experienced in my life and I anticipate nothing less than more of the same. Thanks for spreading the good word.
@Tammy, Well said! Thanks for sharing this!
I like the idea of letting rid of rigid control… not so enthusiastic about the idea that ‘intuition’ is feminine and control is masculine. Even though you’ve written a caveat at the end, it still sounds like the old ‘women are intuitive and nurturing’ line.
@Alexie, Yeah, I don’t mean it that way. Sometimes thinking of it in terms of ancient goddess/god paradigms makes more sense. I think everyone’s a mixture of both.
I’m scared of losing control. I’ve nearly killed myself out of control. I just don’t know how to lose the control monster..
@Emily, It can be a process. Since you say that control has nearly killed you, you may need more support with this than any comment I may have.