by Golda Poretsky, H.H.C.
www.bodylovewellness.com
Listen to the podcast of this post here:
Courtney Love's Nose, Cognitive Dissonance, & Body Image -- The Body Love Wellness Podcast [ 5:22 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (30)The other night, I finally sat down to watch VH1′s Behind The Music about Courtney Love. Watching the Courtney Love interviews felt like visiting with an old friend. She’s still the same — endearing and maddening at the same time.
At some point late in my sophomore year of high school, I decided on a little side project. I was on a mission to hear and find out about as many women-fronted rock bands as possible. This led me to nearly lose my mind over PJ Harvey, Babes In Toyland, The Breeders, Belly, L7, Concrete Blonde, a tape that I magically had of a band called the Slits, and of course, Hole. I still loved The Smiths, and U2 and the Pixies, and Pearl Jam’s first album, but the women rock stars were the real deal. They spoke to me in a language that my sad, teenage heart could understand. They spoke to me because I spoke their language.
In the days before the Internet, before DVR, when VCR timers were still a bit wonky, I would stay up late on Sunday nights, often until 2 AM, watching MTV’s 120 Minutes in the hopes that they would play one of my favorites. I’d read Spin, and maybe NME if I could find it, and I’d buy the Village Voice every Wednesday in the hopes of reading about them. PJ Harvey was my favorite, her songs were so full of angst and pain and sexual disquiet that she was almost embarrassing to listen to. The press would show up at her lonely little studio in Dorset, and she’d confess to journalists that she never dated anyone until she was 20. In those days, she would get on stage wearing all black, her hair pulled back, a tiny person with a huge voice and huger talent.
Courtney Love was different. She was tall, larger-than-life, fond of arguments, brash, mercurial. She wore baby doll dresses and tons of red lipstick and played her guitar from between her legs. Her voice was scratchy, with none of the usual singer niceties, but she screamed a lot, which gave her audiences the license to scream along with her.
And yet for all her brashness and screw-you attitude, the thing that I kept noticing as I watched her on t.v. last week was her face. Over the years, she’s had a multitude of nose jobs, limp implants, and probably botox and other things. Courtney’s interview revealed a person who had never been okay with her appearance. Even in her early 20′s, while playing a pregnant woman in a movie, she was so concerned about looking fat that, every day, she took a little stuffing out of the pillow she was using to look pregnant.
So what, right? She’s a rockstar who’s in the public eye, lives in Hollywood, etc. etc. etc. But with Courtney Love, it’s a particular kind of bummer. She’s written song after song about how much it sucks to be objectified and 
how much women are just seen for their relative attractiveness and bodies. She sees all of it, but still internalizes it. In other words, she writes songs about how much b.s. women in go through in terms of their bodies and body image, but she’s still in a place where she feels the need to drastically alter her face and body.
In essence, she’s in a spot that a lot of you reading this are in the right now. Perhaps you’ve been reading about HAES and body acceptance and you think, intellectually, that people should accept and love their bodies, but you’re not there yet. Or, you’re able to get to a place of acceptance and then something — a friend’s comment, something on t.v. — throws you out of it and you’re back where you were, feeling crappy about your body and thinking body acceptance is not for you.
If this is the spot you’re in, I want to hear from you. Comment below (and make sure to leave your email address) and tell me a little about your struggle with loving your body. One commenter (chosen at random from commenters who comment by midnight Eastern on July 8th) will receive a FREE 60 Minute Body Love Breakthrough Session with me.
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Golda Poretsky, H.H.C. is a certified holistic health counselor who specializes in transforming your relationship with food and your body. Go to http://www.bodylovewellness.com/stay-in-touch/ to sign up for her newsletter and get your free download — Golda’s Top Ten Tips For Divine Dining!
© 2010 Golda Poretsky All rights reserved.
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{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
I too am late to the party – but am so grateful for Golda and all the good people leaving stories that I want to contribute. I have PCOS, which is a health condition that in some women makes it very, very difficult to lose weight. Finally getting a diagnoses has helped me get over all the years I went to the gym with friends, and watched them shed pounds while I stayed the same, all the diets and disappointment I experienced over the years. But it’s still hard, and I still struggle with the reality of my body.
I grew up with an emotionally abusive older sibling, who loved to torment me and call me names. She was the first (and loudest) to give me a hard time about my weight and shame me into silence. When I hit my teenage years I rebelled so hard against everything, including her abuse, and found a way of being comfortable enough with my body that I could survive it all.
What really helped me turn a corner, though, and begin to imagine a life of true acceptance of myself, was living in Central America during my service in the Peace Corps. In rural impoverished areas, it doesn’t matter what brand you’re wearing or what size your jeans are or how your hair is cut. Poverty, wars, and natural disasters have really forced people to focus on what matters: surviving, getting safe water, growing food, and taking care of family and friends. Enjoying small moments together. It was such a freedom to just be me, in dirty ancient clothes, amongst new friends, free from judgement, embarrased only by my horrible Spanish skills. I still struggle to remember that sensation, and to take pride in my big curves that are daily under assult by the culture around me. I still find myself wishing that I was born into a different body, even when I know how lucky I really am. Talk about a disconnect! If you have any suggestions, Golda, I’m all ears. :)
I know that I am way too late for this blog but I really feel like commenting here. I also suffer from a deep sense of self revulsion which is entirely out of proportion to my appearance. I feel ugly and repulsive, while other people, including my good honest friends and husband, compliment me lavishly on my appearance. I have named this inner demon “Relentless” and am determined to silence it, or at least recognize it for the liar that it is.
Back to Courtney Love, there is just no way that our sense of self image is proportional to our real health and well being. Otherwise said, no amount of risk reduction (for illness) is warranted by years of self hate, depression, and frustration. Plastic surgery and dieting cannot correct an inner sense of self hate.
Courtney Love had a nose job to please her fans. My friends starve themselves to meet some unknown inner sense of proper weight.
It is the most amazing thing. I have several friends well over 50 and we participate in fun, vigorous, physically demanding outdoor activites. We have a lot of fun until they want to talk about their diets. They are constantly attmepting to restrict calories and lose weight (unsuccessfully, I might add), even when placing intense physical demands on their bodies. On several occasions, I have seen them become very weak and tired during and after exercise because they want to drink water or diet soda all the time. Me and my size 18 body runs on Mountain Dew and Rice Krispie treats as needed, with excellent results. That is my example of cognitive dissonance.
Hey Golda,
I just want to say I think you do great work! I know I am too late for the contest, but that’s okay. What I wanted to write about just came clear to me this morning, so here it is.
I have embraced the Health at Every Size approach for a few years now, and it has been the best thing that has ever happened to me…well, *one* of the best things for sure. I am a social worker and I’ve funnelled my passion for body acceptance into doing workshops and support groups on body image in my community.
What I’m dealing with right now is that my body has changed shaped in the past year and I been experiencing this ‘cognitive dissonance’ you write about. I’ve recognized it has been much harder for me to be as outraged by body commentary when the comments I have been getting lately are the ‘you’ve lost weight!’ variety. Although I usually use those comments as an opportunity to talk about how I don’t like to focus on weight, and that I am all about accepting your body as it is, right now, and how weight is not a good indicator of health, etc. I’ve had to admit I’ve felt a secret little thrill I get when those comments. I worry that it may be planting the seeds to an unhealthy focus on my weight and encourage me to monitor what I am eating to try and loose even more weight. Argh!
This has really been highlighted for me in the thrill I’ve experienced at being able to shop at regular size stores…the first time in 10 – 15 years. I cannot deny the excitement I’ve felt at being able to shop at The Gap! It really annoys me because it shouldn’t be such a bloody privilege, and yet there it is! Even worse is that I’ve been reading No Logo by Naomi Klein and am horrified by the sweatshop conditions these clothes are made it.
So, there it is. The confessions of a body-acceptance fat activist who has lost some weight and enjoying some of the perks a thin-centric society now affords her. What keeps me going is that I know body acceptance is a journey, not so much about suddenly arriving at a destination. I am keeping myself open to learning new lessons and moving forward from where I am.
Thanks for reading,
Sydney Bell
What an important message to share, G. Thank you so much. I have struggled with the way that I look/don’t look for as long as I can remember. I tie it to a lot of abuse issues that I endured as a kid and cognitively get that it is something that I’m internalizing and yet… I still wear all of it in my heart and my head and am quick to espouse it in my self talk when I’m not careful. I counsel all shapes and sizes of women, girls, men about size and what matters so again I GET IT INTELLECTUALLY but the way that it continues to play out in my life is disturbing. I really feel for Courtney. I idolized her as a kid too and was so grateful for her presence on the music scene at a time when music was my primary means of expressing self. Howevs, I cannot condone her current behavior as much as I understand it. Professionally, there’s a good deal of alcohol/drug addiction going on in her neck of the woods which definitely complicates her situation but… We have a responsibility to the women around us to uphold realness, not sculpted barbie doll glory. Courtney, in her messy, baby-dolled fury helped a lot of young women. She helped me. She is not helping anyone now. In all of the drugs and squalor she’s lost who she is… I’ve been there. It’s horrible.
I’m stuck in such a scary place. I want so badly to change my body, but I’ve come to realize that diets are as much an emotional crutch for me as food can be. I devolve on bad days into this place where I don’t know what to eat, I don’t know what to do, and I certainly don’t know how to accept anything about myself. Help!
I can very much relate to being in a space of acceptance and then someone says something and it just throws you out of that vortex. For instance the other day an acquaintance of mine was ranting about some girl’s photo on facebook, so I took a look and it was this girl who was disproportionate yet owning her own body in a bikini. I told her that I respect that and I think that a lot of women, including myself, are learning to accept ourselves and not let society tell us what is beautiful. She kept on ranting about how if she had “real friends” someone would have told her she didn’t look good in it and she wouldn’t post photos like that. I then went on show her photos of my plus-size role models and again the comments were negative. So then I asked, “well what about me?” “I’m the same way”. Of course the answer was, “well you don’t post those kinds of photos on facebook.”
Hmmm, it really really got to me and made me feel really bad about myself, my disproportionate areas, stretch marks, dimples, lumps & bumps, and all the in-between. But I can’t allow people like that to get to me. I know in my heart that society is wrong and I feel bad for her in that she is just another person who is poisoned to think she has to look a certain way.
Here’s to all the women who let their lumps and bumps show for the world to see and reinvent what we all have come to learn is “beautiful”.
For me it’s all about how my clothes fit. i don’t mind if I’m a little heavier or lighter or whatever, as long as I can reach into my closet and pull out – without major struggling – something I’ll feel comfortable in. lately that is not the case, and I went smack dab back into my weight freakouts. I saw a picture from a photoshoot with some friends in which I could see my stomach pushing against my shirt from the top of my jeans. if it were anyone else i’d think “cute outfit!” or “great makeup” (actually I still thought that because my makeup was rockin’ that day…), but since it was me i just thought “OMG emily your clothes don’t even fit you anymore.”
Blech.
I struggle with a negative body image every day. I’m five ten and a size 22. I eat well and work out an hour a day and am frustrated that my weight is creeping up and think it’s due to medications. I have been doing great with my size until i went on vacation recently and saw photos of myself, unposed and natural. It sent me into a major depression for over a week and I can’t get out of it. It turns out I look much worse than I thought and I find it hard to believe my boyfriend, or any man, can love me looking like this. I have rolls of fat on my stomach and a huge double chin. I don’t know what to do about it other than try to lose like 20 pounds, I won’t be thin if I do that but at least I won’t hate myself every minute of every day like I do since seeing those photos.
Hey, I just wanted to thank you all for sharing your reality with me. I’ll be picking at least one of you tonight for a free session. Keep ‘em coming!
I am riding this roller coaster every day, and it seems like every time I’m about to finally step out of the car, the seatbelt snaps back into place and off we go again! :) I find that I am mostly vulnerable to societal situations – at home, in front of my own mirror, I get dressed and feel good. My husband is wonderfully supportive and loves me as I am. But then I leave the safety of my comfort zone, and at times it’s like being under attack. Shopping is painful because it’s so much harder and more expensive to find what I need…advertising and the web are full of fat-hating images…I constantly hear thinner people (friends and strangers) disparaging their own bodies when they are significantly smaller than mine (what do they think of me, then?)…I always seem to be the largest person in a group or at an event, and I hate having to see that demonstrated in pictures or a reflection. I am very passionate about healthy body image because I have three daughters and want to protect them from feeling unacceptable, and we talk often about self-acceptance, separating character from looks, etc. But I admit I often struggle to sincerely feel and embrace the things I try to model for them – I might try on a sundress and say, “Hey, this looks pretty,” while under my girls’ watchful eyes, but in my head I’m saying, “Damnit, if it wasn’t for that fat roll there I’d look so much better… can I really wear this in public without humiliating myself?” Sometimes I think I’d hold the record for self-esteem and body image if I could live on a deserted island cut off from the rest of the world!
@Chibi Jeebs, I am at where you are at. I think I’m good with myself and how I look until I see a photograph of myself and focus only on the things I don’t like. Then I wonder if that’s how people see me all the time.
Oh, I’m definitely where Courtney is at. There are days where I really feel like, ‘this body is *mine*, which means it is mine to enjoy and I will do what I want with it and you can’t stop me and you don’t get a say, oh, and by the way, keep your hands to yourself!’ But, there are moments, even in those days, where I feel so self-conscious about how I look that I actually don’t do something I want to do. Recently, I’ve been thinking about starting to run again. I was never super into it and I was never very fast or could go very far. But, I remember it feeling good. But, for the last month, literally, I get up around 6 so I can go jogging (well, walking with some running), and by the time I’m ready to go out the door I’ve psyched myself out so badly about ‘what if other people see me’ and ‘what will they think watching this fatty try to run?’ that I’ve not gone yet. I’ll get there…but, I’m not there yet.
When I was younger I was thin and busty. Turns out being thin and busty is widely acceptable as hot and beautiful, so it was easy to accept my body. I had no image of myself as anything but amazing and gorgeous. I ran in feminist circles, discussing how terrible the images women are forced to look at and subjugate themselves to in our society are.
Eleven years ago I had an injury that limited my activity, and I have since gained 50% of my original body weight, putting me at nearly 180 pounds instead of 110. I now struggle with my body image all the time, and while I realize on an intellectual level that I am feeling like I need to conform to an artificially created image of beauty, it is still devastating to feel inadequate. I look in the mirror and see a woman that no one could ever find sexually interesting. I know that I am cute, but “sexy” is beyond my reach. How could anyone find these rolls of fat sexy? I look at my stomach, and remember the flat, taut tummy of my 20s, long gone and likely never to return.
Is it possible Courtney suffers under this same illusion? That when she was young and thin and could fit into the picture of what attractive was under the basest definition, she didn’t need to actually integrate her cries of protest within herself. Perhaps when she ceased to be young and thin, she struggled with the same difficulties of letting go of youth that so many of us do, and wanted to find a way to recapture it. If I could afford plastic surgery to get thinner, I would seriously consider it, even while I simultaneously cast judgment on those who use surgery to make themselves look younger and prettier.
It is a difficult thing to make peace with your body at any age. It feels like a constant battle to love all of who I am, including the physical manifestation of me.
I don’t know that I will never fully accept my body. I really don’t think that I can. I’ve been to both ends of the spectrum, hospitalized for Anorexia, Regaining, over and over, compulsive eating, to starving again, to “Morbidly” Obese, to Morbidly Obese and starving. At my highest weight I was still dealing with the same demons that plagued me when I was Anorexic, but no one could believe the fat chick had a problem putting food in her mouth, except my sainted husband, who would feed me when I couldn’t feed myself, and stop me from going on diet pill binges.
Now I live in that reality of stalled metabolism, body hatred, and I put on the face of acceptance. People see me as happy go lucky and very comfortable with my weight, but they don’t see me struggle with it, screaming at myself about my circus tent dresses and fighting with it inwardly. I can help OTHER people to see that their bodies are perfect and beautiful and fine, but I can’t see that in myself, and it sucks.
I talked my friend in from the ledge of thinking herself too fat at 125 pounds and talked to her about body affirmations and self love, but I can’t practice what I preach. no one has ever told me to love my body in a voice that didn’t shake or in a phrase that didn’t end with “but you could still stand to gain/lose a little weight.”
So anyway, yeah.
I like to run! And I trained for a marathon a few years back just after having a baby. And I was at the marathon expo the day before, where they sell anything to do with running, like clothing, bars, shoes etc… I was standing at this stall that was peddling sticks to self massage after long runs. Listening to the guy sell someone else one. And he turned to me and asked me what I thought, as though I was the other customers wife! I said no we aren’t together but which would you recommend to me? And he asked in a disbelieving tone “Your running tomorrow?” “Yeah!” He told me all the names and proceeded to walk away from me! I felt invisible! I don’t think of myself as big as a size 12 but this guy made me feel too big to run a marathon! No I don’t have a marathoners physique but I like to run! I have big strong legs and come from a family of curvy women with hips made to give birth! No pixies in my family! How is it possible a perfect stranger selling something I want to buy would make me feel so unhappy with my own body? I keep trying to tell myself I am good enough but society keeps saying No! It’s a hard battle to fight!
The person you mention at the end of this post is me. i am a 37 year old mother of four children. I’ve lived through several traumatic situations. I am in therapy and taking anti-anxiety medicine and as a result of facing the pain, I have gained about 30 pounds in the past six months. So, not only do I feel miserable about all the stuff I’m dealing with, I also feel like I am unattractive, fat, and ugly. I have gone up and down with weight and tried every diet throughout my life starting in elementary school. I have read every book and article there is about weight loss. i am at a point where i acknowledge that the weight and overeating is about the deeper traumas I have survived through. Intellectually it makes sense to me that I need to accept myself now as I am. I need to be kind to myself and accept my body and understand that I am so much more than what I look like. But emotionally it is the toughest thing for me to do. I catch myself worrying about if others will find my behavior acceptable or if they will think I’m attractive and worthy. I am trying to listen to my inner voice and love me and be kind to me but it is so painful and difficult to do. But i owe it to myself to be at peace with me and I will continue facing the pain and trauma until i can look myself in the mirror and honestly say, “i love myself”. thanks for the great blog!
I was in a funk last week. It happens every now and again but this funk was really settling in for the long haul. So much so I almost thought about telling my doctor about it.
The thoughts running through my head weren’t pretty and while I’m sure it happens to a lot of people (if not everyone), it still feels pretty lonely at the time. Memories of past embarrassing or awkward moments come flooding back – like that time I was traveling overseas and the kids kept asking me how much I weighed. Getting cut from the high school soccer team, always picked last, going stag to the senior prom…
For a long time I’d think about the things I want to do and would say, “not until I lose some weight”.
So then literally, a couple of days ago, I stumbled across a blog. She talked about this idea of “fat acceptance”. It didn’t jive at first but this idea of Health At Every Size really hits home. It’s liberating, really. I can be healthy and not weigh myself 5 times a day? That pressure doesn’t have to be there.
I read about how “body shaming” is used to try and motivate people. It’s just so wrong and I didn’t get that before.
But at the same time, I don’t know how to be ok with me now. It feels good when people ask if I’ve lost weight – how do I stop caring about that?
I dunno… this comment wasn’t going to be that long, but I could keep going. I’m just figuring this out but I don’t feel discouraged by this new way of thinking, it’s a nice break from all the negative stuff I’ve been telling myself!
I was in this exact spot on Thursday (Canada Day for me). I’ve been working on my health and fitness level for awhile, and I’m starting to see results I like. I was feeling good – feeling like I was *looking* good – as we headed over to a friend’s for a barbecue. Until I caught a glimpse of myself on her webcam. That good feeling? Gone in the blink of an eye. All of a sudden, I could only focus on how huge my arms looked, how saggy my breasts looked, how big my stomach looked. Instant mood change. Even as I recognized it, I felt powerless to turn it around and focus on the progress I have made and the positive changes I am seeing. It’s awful how the mind “works” sometimes.
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@Margarita — Thanks! I know, it’s such a striking difference.
@PJ — I just want to say “totally” regarding everything you said. I actually keep thinking Courtney looks more and more like Madonna all the time.
And yes, I miss Sassy immensely!
@Tracy — You are exactly the person I’m talking about. Thanks for sharing your struggle here. (And by the way, if you’re the only one who does so, we’ll be chatting in your free session soon!)
I carried 135 pounds on a 5 foot 1 inch frame in high school. My ribs & hip bones stuck out but I felt that I was fat. I hated my body because it wasn’t good enough or beautiful enough. Eight years and 90 pounds later, I still struggle with those body issues & bad eating habits. But I have, thanks to sites like yours & a husband who has adored me through all my sizes, finally begun learning to love myself for who I am, whatever size that may be. I am making better food choices & exercising for my health, not my weight. I am now more concerned with living long enough to enjoy my grandchildren than I am not embarrassing them. I believe that my case, as well as Courtney Love’s, proves that the battle needs to begin on the inside. It’s difficult though when our hearts and feelings bruise easier than our bodies.
I don’t exactly relate to the Courtney Love place, but I relate from a similar place.
I’m an activist. Fat activist, anti-shame activist, body-love activist, be-who-you-are-and-fuck-everyone-else activist. My photography business is built around the idea that sexy comes in a much wider variety of colors, shapes, sizes and abilities than Cosmo would have us believe. And when I look in the mirror, I like what I see. I think I’m hot and sexy and cute and curvy, and my rolls of fat don’t bother me.
And yet, I don’t like the way my body WORKS. And part of that is about lifestyle (I’m a nerdy, geeky computer girl who isn’t very active), and part of it is about the real effect that my weight has on what my body can do safely. I subscribe to HAES, but I feel like I don’t have the tools I need to measure my progress toward my “getting healthy” goals. All of the online tools and charts measure progress by weight-loss, which I don’t think is the end-all-be-all measurement of success…and, ultimately, isn’t really my goal, anyway. At the same time, I’m the kind of person who needs and wants a way to map and chart my progress because it helps keep me motivated and feeling empowered and reassured that I have the right to make the choices about what feels good to me and my body.
So I feel stuck. I sometimes give in and use the online tools that track weight-loss, even though that’s not really what I’m trying to do, because at least it gives me something to feel like I’m making progress and staying on track with being active and not eating crap all the time. And what I really want is a community of other fat people who believe in HAES, and are also struggling with what it means to be active and fat. I want a place to vent about going to the gym and getting the “good for you!” comments…and yet, I also want the “good for you” validation from people that I know share my core value that FAT ISN’T BAD.
Wow, Golda. What a beautifully written post! I couldn’t help but stare at Courtney Love’s before and after photos. The differences are so striking – and so sad.
I think it’s fantastic that you’re offering a free 60-minute session with you!
Again, thank you for an excellent and eloquent post!
I’m where Courtney Love is. I do believe that HAES is where it’s at, but I am having a hard time accepting my body. There are days when I feel good about it, but over all, I struggle with the idea that I will ever be good enough in this body. I struggle with feeling like I’ll ever find love at the size I am right now. I mean, I am getting older and have never had a boyfriend. I know that part of it has to do with my own psychological issues (which I’m working on), but part of me feels it’s because of how I look.
Also, I sometimes feel the pressure to look a certain way in society. I mean, we all can see how fat people are treated in this culture. Some people are really hateful. I already have other characteristics about me that I can’t really change (race and sex) and then there’s weight on top of it. I vacillate between wanting/trying to lose weight and rebelling.
Also… OMG! Someone needs to revive ‘Sassy’ right this minute! I mean, “Miss America: Indentured Servant?” I miss the early 90s.
Obviously this is my favorite blog post ever. :)
I watched “Behind the Music” too and I couldn’t help thinking how real, and tough, and suffused with punk greatness Courtney looked in her pre-nose-job pictures. Nowadays who can tell the difference between her and Goldie Hawn and Meg Ryan? (Which is insane because Courtney is a lot younger than either of those women, but all that facial work makes everyone look sort of permanently 60.) You’re right; there’s a major disconnection between what she knows and what she does.
(Thanks for posting the ‘Sassy’ cover. Aw! Kurdt!)
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