by Golda Poretsky, HHC
www.bodylovewellness.com
I think nearly everyone knows that feeling, that feeling of being uncomfortable in your body and wearing too much clothing to cover it up. How many of you have worn a sweater over a sleeveless dress in sweltering heat to cover up areas of your body that you wanted to hide? How many of you have worn a t-shirt in the pool for the same reason? How many of you have worn all black on a hot summer’s day?
I can answer an emphatic “I have” to all of the above questions. I’ve done all of those things – and more. And all they made me was sweaty, uncomfortable and angry. I felt angry that I “wasn’t allowed” to dress the way that thinner people dressed and I was angry at myself for being fat.
A few years ago I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t going to let myself be angry and uncomfortable (or sweaty!) any more. I realized that the idea that I “wasn’t allowed” to wear less clothing was really a self-imposed rule. No matter how it might feel, you can’t get a ticket for wearing a tank top!
When I was just learning to love my body, I started using a technique that I’m going to share with you right now. I would decide that whatever part of my body that I was feeling iffy or wrong about was the absolute, most sexy, attractive, alluring part of my body. Not only was this part of my body super gorgeous, it was so gorgeous that people wished that their bodies looked that way.
Now, I realize that this might seem way over the top, and, indeed, it is. I have found, however, that sometimes you need to swing the pendulum way in the opposite direction before things start to even out. So if you’re going around hating your belly, you may just have to decide that your belly is the sexiest thing on the planet before you can start to feel reasonably good, every day, about your belly.
Why does this matter? Because hiding your body sends a message to others and to yourself. It sends a message that you are uncomfortable with how you look and that your body is unacceptable. It sends the message that making yourself acceptable to other people is more important than your own needs. And I can tell you that the more you try to be acceptable to other people by ignoring what you need, the more you will feel unfulfilled, angry, self-hateful, uncomfortable, and, at least in the summer, sweaty.
So your mission (should you choose to accept it) is really a two parter this week:
#1— Allow yourself to bare parts of your body that you typically wouldn’t. If you “hate” your arms, wear a sleeveless top for a day, and see how it feels. If you “hate” your belly, try wearing something more form fitting than usual. If you “hate” your legs, try wearing a skirt.
#2 – Tell yourself that these parts of your body that you’re baring are super gorgeous and sexy. Do not say or think anything negative about them. If you get complimented by someone on your appearance, say “Thank you!” and that is all. Enjoy the feeling of the sun on you skin, the way the breeze feels across your body. Literally touch your body when you can and enjoy the sensation. Allow yourself to feel the pleasure of this experience rather than listening to anything negative that your mind might say.
Comment below and let me know how it goes!
Golda Poretsky, H.H.C. is a certified holistic health counselor who specializes in transforming your relationship with food and your body. Go to http://www.bodylovewellness.com/stay-in-touch/ to sign up for her newsletter and get your free download — Golda’s Top Ten Tips For Divine Dining!
Sexiness really exists inasmuch as there are real trends in what people find sexy. It is not impossible that someone would find my armpits (or legs, etc.) sexy, but it is improbable in any given group of people. I don't agree that things I believe are *equally* likely to be false as things that I disbelieve. I believe things *because* I think they are less likely to be lies, like I believe that 1 + 1 = 2 and that the floor will be there to stand on when I get out of bed in the morning. I can't prove that I'm not just living in a bizarre alien experiment where they have twisted my perception so much that I believe ridiculous things like 1 + 1 = 2. My beliefs are not objective truths but the whole idea of believing things is to approximate the objective truth to the best of your ability based on the evidence you have access to, not to pick beliefs based on what you would like to be true (although you could do that if you had no other way of choosing, I suppose). Otherwise, I would believe I could shapeshift into a gryphon and fly to class.
Gina — Most people don't think their armpits are sexy (as far as I know). You can start with another body part that may be more neutral, like your eyes or your neck, just to try it.
Also, who is to say what is a lie and what isn't? As you said, sexiness is subjective, so your belief that your armpits are unsexy is just as easily a lie as anything else. Your beliefs are truths that you created, not objective truths, right? So why not change them to something more pleasurable?
Telling myself my discolored fat hairy armpits are super sexy … okay, I'll never get myself to believe that, but "sexy" is a subjective quality. Saying everybody wishes they had them … that would involve being surrounded by aliens from another planet with completely different aesthetics who have disguised themselves as humans and come to Earth for some reason.
I think we have an unsurmountable philsophical incompatibility. It seems to me that there aren't any methods to build self-esteem that wouldn't involve blatantly lying to myself.
Wow!!!! I am so in awe of the way all of you are taking this blog to heart and making huge strides! The world is better for having your lusciousness out there and seen. Even something that feels like a “tiny step” is absolutely huge and evidence of a commitment that you are making to love yourselves. I’m sending you all a big smooch of love that you can feel free to land anywhere on your gorgeous bodies!
Thank you for your post! I will take a kinder view of the pictures from my friend’s wedding this past weekend. Unfortunately, I allowed my negativity regarding my appearance to influence the entire day. I felt exposed, self-conscious and uncomfortable. My inner negative critic worked overtime and as an end result I sat instead of danced. I have another wedding in August, I’ll take your idea to heart and work at loving my body.
Thanks for the positive thinking! I’ll keep reading!
This weekend I will be letting the arms hang out when I wear a sleeveless Igigi dress to a wedding. It’s funny I should read this post today because I began thinking this week I should have something to cover my arms. Your post has given renewed strength in my self (and my arms). Hope you’re having a beautiful week.
YES! This is something that I have been thinking about alot myself, as a lady who is close to 400 lbs atm and who have NEVER worn a sleeveless anything, when I have worn a swimsuit it was always with a long t-shirt over it, and I admit to a major terror of going outside the house (shoot sometimes even being in the house) and not being covered up.
I can say yes to all of the above questions, I often wear a light jacket over my clothes because it is long and covers my ample tummy, bum, and thighs, as well as makes me feel like it hides the rolls and what not that I have.
Today I took a tiny step and I went out without a jacket on, just my pants and a t-shirt that stops halfway down my hips (not the long tunic bum covering type I usually wear) and it was really very scary to me, but it was ok. No one said anything awful this time, and though I felt so very exposed, I also felt a little bit free-er as well… so I am going to keep trying this in little steps. I would LOVE to be able to wear tank tops out around people and not under a layer or two of clothing lol. I am going to keep challenging myself, thank you for this!
I’m about a size 26 and last week was the *first* time that I wore a sleeveless dress without some kind of “arm-cover” (shrug, blouse, cardigan)in a very very very long time. So long in fact that I can’t remember the last time I had nekkid upper arms!
Regardless, it was soooo amazingly wonderful and liberating to go “bare-armed”! I’m still not overly fond of my arms, but you know what: I love my body in its entirety and I’m not going to live a life based on shame and fear! :-D
Since then I’ve bought 2 new sleeveless dresses! woo hoo! Now if only the weather would cooperate and get warm again!
Your timing couldn’t have been better, it’s the first few days of summer sunshine here in the UK!
I go for a walk around the park with my husband every morning and evening and I usually wear a cardigan over my t-shirt, because I didn’t like to be just wearing a t-shirt and have the wind blow it against the rolls on my tummy. but this week is so hot, I’ve just thought, ‘f*ck it’ and worn just the t-shirt.
And funnily enough, no one has fainted at the sight of my belly rolls so far!
Excellent post, excellent advice.
Look out world, here come the girls. ;)