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I’m going to share a deep dark secret with you. A secret so unwieldy and yuppified that I almost can’t put it in words.

My name is Golda, and I’m a (recovering) croissant addict.

In early 2008, croissants held sway in my life. I’d pick one up on the way to the subway for breakfast. I’d have one after work as a dinner substitute before heading to class. They were so light and fluffy and buttery and addictive.

I knew I had wheat sensitivity issues. I knew croissants were not really working for me. Yet, I couldn’t stop.

My usual reaction was, “What the [frick] is up with me and croissants?! What the [frick] is wrong with me?”

What was wrong with me was, well, nothing. The negative self talk I had created about croissants was reinforcing my need for croissants. The way I engaged with myself on the topic made me feel powerless and stupid and I found a (buttery, flaky) respite in pastry.

Judging a habit harshly, especially one we’re trying to change, makes it stick. It reinforces a belief in ourselves that we’re bad and do stupid things for no reason. Then we find a way to comfort ourselves from the harsh criticism of those internal judges, very often through more of that same bad habit.

I always encourage my clients to act as a kindly researcher toward themselves and their behaviors. When my croissant problem was overwhelming me, I could have asked myself, “Hey, it looks like you’re really into croissants. What is it that you like about croissants? How do they make you feel before, during, and after eating them? Why do you think they’re so important to you right now?”

If I had asked these questions, I might have realized that, aside from liking the taste, I liked stopping off to get a croissant before getting on the subway because my job was stressing me out and it kept me from being in the office for a few extra minutes. I might have realized that croissants reminded me of the foods I ate more in college which had been a more enjoyable time in my life. Therefore, I might have realized that it wasn’t really about the croissants, it was about the stress in my life and the way croissants alleviated that for me for a few minutes. By asking these questions, I might have been able to make more stress reducing changes in my life sooner, rather than making myself bad for my “croissant addiction”.

Try this: Pick a behavior of yours that you’re usually judgmental about and try being a kindly researcher about that behavior instead. See what sorts of insights you have. Feel free to report back here in the comments!